I've always been my worst critic. Most of us are, right? And, I've always worried about what other people thought of me. If someone disproved of something I did it would affect me for days. Sometimes it still does.
Here's the thing. Some of us are both with an inherent sensitivity and it can be both a blessing at times and other times it can be incredibly hard to reason through. Naturally, I am an introvert so my thoughts, which are many, wander through my head and most often they stay there. Along with that I worry often about others as well and how they are doing in this journey called life. Some days it's like one big boatload of worry.
Many of you know I struggled with postpartum depression after having both of my babies. I was supposed to be incredibly happy and beaming with love but inside I was torn apart, feeling alone, and defeated. I did not feel adequate and it was a challenge to get through the day to day activities as a mother, let alone anything else. Emotion (good and bad) swirled within my head and my heart and it seemed to rest their permanently, sometimes feeling as if I was unable to function and paralyzed to act.
I started a journey into improving my health last year, both mentally and physically. I started reading my scriptures more regularly and personal development daily as well. I relied on my Savior to pull me through and to help me to work on myself. Regular exercise and good nutrition became a part of my daily habits. I didn't feel better overnight. It took time and hard work. It took consistency compounded over time but within time I was feeling much more alive. I am grateful for the courage, understanding, and empathy I gained from this experience.
So, one would think that depression would be a thing of the past for me. I have to tell you, and anyone else who has experienced depression can as well, that some days I find myself feeling those intense emotions again or complete numbness. And, I know it comes on both good days and bad days sometimes. I'm not sure the reasons and this post isn't about those. It's about more than that. It's about the journey.
It's easy to go through life thinking that once we move past one hurdle it will forever be in our past. This isn't true of anything. I know this to be true with both my depression and with my obsession over food and my body I have had in the past. I've never dealt with addictions of alcohol, drugs, or other things but I know it is true for those things as well. Days will come that it seems harder to pull yourself from that life of depression or addiction or obsession no matter who you are. The true test is in how we combat that and deal with it. Do we take action to move ourselves forward or do we wallow? Are we consistent with the actions that we know keep us from giving in to that old self?
Life is about consistency for me. Some things I'm still really struggling to find consistency with...even some of my strengths but we can't gain a testimony without the test. That testimony comes through consistent, daily effort to better ourselves...to do the things that are easy to do but also easy not to do. Power comes through action and that is the hardest thing to do sometimes! But, do we want to look back realizing we let things slip right through our grasp? NO! We work for the good things...we hold on so tight that blisters form because we know in the end it will be worth it. In the end we will look back and realize that when it got tough and it was really easy to give up and give in, we didn't. Instead we fought the good fight, we finished the course, we kept the faith!
