The Courage in Today

I heard a voice tell me to start writing again. I'm writing.

My word for the year of 2022 is courage. I've felt drawn to that word since deciding to focus on one thing, one word for the year and letting things go from there. I couldn't set empty resolutions, knowing that while I wanted to do those things desperately, the feeling of failure that would creep in could bring me down in an instant. 

My resolution for the year is courage. I'm striving for the courage to hold on, to move forward, to let go, and to simply let things be. 

I'm holding onto hope that things get better, things get easier, or that my capacity to do it somehow improves. I'm looking for the courage to move forward each day, even if it means taking one step forward after I took ten steps backward earlier in the day. I'm learning that courage also means letting go of what I wanted my life to be by now or who I wanted myself to become. I'm letting go of expectations that aren't serving me and learning that the courage I am able to muster that day has nothing to do with the ability of my friend and neighbor to do more than I did that day. I'm learning the courage that comes in not comparing myself to others. I will exercise the courage to simply be me.

Courage to me today is in knowing I had the courage not to run away when things got hard. I stayed. I walked back in that door at the end of the day with my four kids, knowing full well I would walk into a house that did not magically clean itself, dishes that did not magically disappear, two dogs that more than likely pulled something, if not many things, out of the garbage, and so much cleaning or laundry. I walked in the door knowing that I would have to remind my kids over and over to brush their teeth, get into bed, stop pestering their brother or sister, stop getting out of bed begging for more to eat or drink, and that I would be begging them to go to sleep. I walked in the door!

I listened to the voice and I'm writing tonight. That is courage. I'm letting go of the knowledge that what I write isn't perfect. It doesn't have to be. I listened, and that is courage. 

Today, courage is in working on the understanding that it won't always be like this and that it's okay that it is right now. It's okay that my house is not clean, my dishes are not done, and we did not go the extra mile in chores. It's okay that I did not do big things today. It's okay that I simply made it through.

I am home. My kids are home. My husband will be home. We will sleep and we will exercise the courage that needs to be exercised tomorrow. I will try. I will have courage. I will be brave. And, it's okay if that doesn't look like another person's best, or even just their good. It is mine and mine does not need to be just as theirs.