The Courage in Today

I heard a voice tell me to start writing again. I'm writing.

My word for the year of 2022 is courage. I've felt drawn to that word since deciding to focus on one thing, one word for the year and letting things go from there. I couldn't set empty resolutions, knowing that while I wanted to do those things desperately, the feeling of failure that would creep in could bring me down in an instant. 

My resolution for the year is courage. I'm striving for the courage to hold on, to move forward, to let go, and to simply let things be. 

I'm holding onto hope that things get better, things get easier, or that my capacity to do it somehow improves. I'm looking for the courage to move forward each day, even if it means taking one step forward after I took ten steps backward earlier in the day. I'm learning that courage also means letting go of what I wanted my life to be by now or who I wanted myself to become. I'm letting go of expectations that aren't serving me and learning that the courage I am able to muster that day has nothing to do with the ability of my friend and neighbor to do more than I did that day. I'm learning the courage that comes in not comparing myself to others. I will exercise the courage to simply be me.

Courage to me today is in knowing I had the courage not to run away when things got hard. I stayed. I walked back in that door at the end of the day with my four kids, knowing full well I would walk into a house that did not magically clean itself, dishes that did not magically disappear, two dogs that more than likely pulled something, if not many things, out of the garbage, and so much cleaning or laundry. I walked in the door knowing that I would have to remind my kids over and over to brush their teeth, get into bed, stop pestering their brother or sister, stop getting out of bed begging for more to eat or drink, and that I would be begging them to go to sleep. I walked in the door!

I listened to the voice and I'm writing tonight. That is courage. I'm letting go of the knowledge that what I write isn't perfect. It doesn't have to be. I listened, and that is courage. 

Today, courage is in working on the understanding that it won't always be like this and that it's okay that it is right now. It's okay that my house is not clean, my dishes are not done, and we did not go the extra mile in chores. It's okay that I did not do big things today. It's okay that I simply made it through.

I am home. My kids are home. My husband will be home. We will sleep and we will exercise the courage that needs to be exercised tomorrow. I will try. I will have courage. I will be brave. And, it's okay if that doesn't look like another person's best, or even just their good. It is mine and mine does not need to be just as theirs. 

Broken

It's been awhile. I haven't wanted to write. It's hard to explain.

A part of me feels so guilty for not moving on or letting go or getting over the grief. I still feel so stuck in denial and in a playback of emotions and feelings. I feel bad for not being a happy person at times that I probably should.

I can be so productive in a day and by that afternoon I'd rather hide away and sleep to push away emotion. Some days I just feel sad and I don't want to change it. Some days I feel guilt. Other days I feel angry. Either way, I feel like I'm trying to run from the feelings but they just keep catching up to me.

Driving down the road, on a Sunday about a week ago while listening to Sounds of Sunday I heard the song I used for part of the words at my dad's funeral. It's all about being broken and the growth that can come from that as a result of the Atonement of Christ.

But see, I've been angry a lot. I've literally pounded on walls, slammed doors, screamed into a pillow, and used MMA workouts to try and dispel that feeling. It still comes back, though not as consistently as it did before. I haven't connected much hope or healing to my dad's death yet.

When I heard that song over the radio, I listened again to those words and thought of Father's Day with my family. I was taken back remembering my family shedding tears over that broken earth used for the burial services. I thought of the sod pieced together but broken and struggling to connect all those pieces.

This is my heart and I know the hearts of my family; broken and struggling to put the pieces back together. Our tears that fell over my dad's grave that day and so many more that have fallen and are to fall, may over time contribute to the healing and connecting of that broken sod. So, while I don't feel the connection yet and I know that it won't ever be as it was before, hopefully there will be healing in time. Hopefully the broken hearts will find a new "normal" and mend the tattered pieces.

Hopefully I can learn to better take part in the healing and enabling powers of the Atonement and Resurrection, remembering they are there.

Denial and Grief

It's been over three weeks since the accident. My dad died in an accident while driving. We don't know why it happened. We are only sure that through the path his truck traveled that he more than likely wasn't conscious through the worst part of it.

A couple days after it happened, three weeks ago, I stopped at the scene on my way home from the accident. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done but I needed to be in the place he was last. Nathan and I sat down on the side of the road and cried together, we picked up some of his coins that were left there, sat in silence, and tried to wrap our minds around what happened.

I haven't driven by that exit since then. I have traveled through Downey where his truck was towed after the accident. I have traveled back and forth through there about six times and his truck was there every time. Most of the time I would stop for a few minutes and just think about my dad, how much he loved his truck, and how the tangled up metal couldn't possibly be his.

Today I drove to Blackfoot after about a week and a half. His truck was gone. It may have been harder to drive past and not see it there. Those things pull me out of denial for awhile, knowing that things will continue to change and life will still move on without him here. A part of me has been stuck back on Sunday, the night before the accident when we were all together as a family, and Monday afternoon when Nathan came home from work to tell me what happened. I haven't moved too far past that week of being together and ending with his funeral.

I know the answers that he is in a better place, he's no longer limited by pain, and he's looking down on us but the pain will still come. It will still sting when I think about life without him still physically here, not able to hear his voice, or hold his hand before I walk out the door, saying goodbye. There will still be nights that the tears fall heavily from my eyes, and days where I watch my mom hurt for her husband to be back holding her again.

Life together on this Earth is a blessed thing. It is a miracle to know all that was created and organized for us to be here together. But, it hurts to know we leave it not together the majority of the time. It is said we are apart only for a short time...yet for us left here it seems to feel much longer.

"Grief, I've learned is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."   -Jamie Anderson

Dad

My dad is gone from this Earth. I no longer have his tangible presence. The rest of his presence is hard to feel right now through the pain, the hurt, the anger, the sadness.

Writing is one of the only ways I feel like I can adequately express feelings so they are no longer stuck in my head. I still don't feel like I know how to write about my dad being gone. I still want him to come back.

My mom asked the kids to share some memories for the funeral. These are the ones I felt I could fit into five minutes. There are so many more and so many I wish we could still make. Until more can be made I will strive to remember all I can.

Memories

I put off compiling this until last night. I didn't know how or what to share. On Tuesday driving back here from Logan I prayed silently for a long time that my Heavenly Father would help me remember and recall the memories.

I just remember him being my dad. I remember hearing the story of him sitting watch outside my hospital door to ensure my mother and I were able to rest when finally getting to sleep after surgery to remove a tumor in my spinal column. He would NOT let the nurses come through that door when his girls were trying to rest. They had to go through him first!

I remember him reminding me constantly, "Daddy loves you." His long distance hugs over the phone which I got plenty of being the long distance kid for the last 10 years. Our phone conversations ended with these so very often that he would tell me to take my left hand and put it on my right shoulder, my right hand and put it on my left shoulder and squeeze. "That's daddy giving you a hug."

I remember every time I walked out the door of the house, his chair sits right by that front door, and he would almost always no matter if we hugged already, stick his hand out and grab mine to squeeze before leaving. I remember sitting on his lap, even with his 30 year old daughter, he'd pull me in tight with my head on his shoulder and tell me that he was proud of me, Nathan, and all three of our little ones.

My dad would give anything to anybody but some things were harder for him to part with, like his hat. He didn't let many people handle certain hats but once he had grandkids all his hats became fair game. I know Nathan and Kamden have a number of hats given to them from dad, including a nice brown cowboy hat to Kamden like the one sitting with my dad here today. My mouth hung open a little bit the day my dad handed that hat over to his grandson without hesitation.

I remember him telling me countless times as a teenager in his serious voice, "Don't you roll your eyes at me!" I remember watching the 5-8 minute train video called "Give it Your Best" that I have no idea where he found, every morning before school for months. We sighed every morning he'd pull us into his room, sit us on his bed and push play to that VHS. I think we all expected it to last for a week or so but instead it last for at least a month if not longer! Every morning! We sang "Love is Spoken Here" often in our house, but very begrudgingly, when my dad caught us fighting.

I remember strict curfews, guns being talked about when we went out on dates, and strict questions of approval to an incoming son-in-law. I remember seeing my sleeping babies on his lap, huge bear hugs, and kisses to those babies, and his face light up when they walked in the door. I remember him being scared to hold his brand new grandbabies, worrying about being so very gentle with those hands of his.

I remember his hands. In 2012 on my family blog I wrote about these hands.

"My dad is not a small man, and neither are his hands. Although, he does not have lengthy fingers or hands, they are solid and if you've ever met the man, you have probably met his strong handshake as well. He's not afraid to use those hands for all jobs, rough and tough. However, I know of many times he has used those hands to smooth back some hair from his daughters face or to cradle his grandchildren.

These hands, of my father's have not seen the likes of lotion too many times but we couldn't count how many times they have been covered in grease or dirt. The roughness in his hands tell of many trials, small and great that have been fought head on, while those small smooth spots tell of humility in times that he pulled himself up, always working harder and harder."

My dad taught me to Never give up. When I was thinking of what I felt portrayed the life of my dad, and what he would want me to remember, I thought of one of my favorite songs called, "Broken" by Kenneth Cope.

The song reads:

Broken clouds give rain
Broken soil grows grain
Broken bread feeds man for one more day

Broken storms yield light
The break of day heads night
Broken pride turns blindness into sight

Broken souls that need His mending
Broken hearts an offering
Could it be that God loves broken things..?

Broken chains set free
Broken swords bring peace
Broken walls make friends of you and me

To break the ranks of sin
To break the news of Him
To put on Christ til His name feels broken in

Broken souls in need of mending
Broken hearts an offering
I believe that God loves broken things

But, oh, our broken faith
Our broken promises
Sent love to the cross...

But still that broken flesh
That broken heart of His
Offers us such grace and mercy
Covers us with love undeserving

My broken soul that cries for mending
My broken heart an offering
I'm convinced that God loves broken me...

Praise His name, our God loves broken things.


My dad had plenty of "broken" moments in life. He was broken down and built back up a number of times but he never gave up. He learned to partake of a perfect Atonement from his Savior every day of his life and he used the brokenness to improve. No matter the challenges he didn't give in. He learned to hold strong and keep going.

This is my dad and so much more. He was mine and that is a tender mercy I was blessed with greatly. Thanks daddy. I look forward to the day I will sit on your lap again and feel you squeeze me tight. You always told me, "Daddy loves you."

I love you too.

Running Away

Yesterday, Kamden (fed up with my parenting) sat at the front door with a sweater on and a backpack on his back telling me he was going to run away.

This, oh so cute, boy had been stuck in his room for about 30 minutes at the time  because he refused to clean his room. It was "too much" for him! So, because I insisted he stay there until his room was clean, the only logical way out was running away. (I don't blame him completely...sometimes I want to run away from dishes, laundry, or cleaning the bathrooms).

Eventually I convinced him he needed to eat lunch first so he had the energy to get to where he wanted to go. During lunch we talked and this is what happened!

Eventually, after all this he finally decided to clean his room and earn a quarter. Unfortunately, that quarter was not enough to buy a tent so he decided he would run away without a tent. Luckily, we were having pizza and cookies for dinner and he decided to stay for a while! 

My First and My Last

We just celebrated the birthdays of my first and my last babes! I have a 5 year old, people. We've kept him alive for 5 years! And, my baby she is a whole year old.

We had a pizza and popcorn party with some friends on Kamden's birthday and on Saturday we had a party with family! They got spoiled like crazy!

And, well I love those two.

They have made me a new person since I became a mother.

Kalani Elizabeth

Life has been so crazy I haven't sat down to write down the birth story of our third sweet child, Kalani Elizabeth.. Hopefully I can remember most of the details and Nathan can help fill in what I might miss.

Nathan and I had been in the process of looking for both a house and a job for quite some time as we knew Nathan's job was coming to a close. When he left Maryland for Idaho in June we started looking very hard. Nothing was happening and it was probably some of the hardest months in our lives, patience wise. We really learned to be patient with the Lord's timing. It was not easy and there was a lot of uncertainty with a new baby coming but it happened as it needed to, I am sure.
I was driving about 1 hour and 45 minutes every time I had a midwife appointment and I knew that there was a potential I could have this baby before my due date as I had with both my others. My one desire was that I be in my own house before I had this baby.

We ended up going back and forth between buying or not buying a duplex attached to Nathan's brother's that was being sold. The downside was it needed A LOT of work. Neither the inside or outside of the house had been taken care of and we knew that pretty much everything in this house would have to be touched with a deep clean, paint, and even new flooring in part of it. It turned out to be even more of a job than we anticipated but that story is for another day and another write up. Yet, somehow we were supposed to be here. I am not sure of all those reasons yet.

Well, everything happened at once. Nathan got a job and we finalized plans on a house in about two weeks. Ironically, Nathan's first day of work and our move in date were the same day. While Nathan went off to work I hauled myself, my big belly, and my two other kiddos to get our new house keys and switch utilities into our name.

I unlocked the door and walked into our new house a bit before Nathan was to get off work. I knew it wouldn't be a welcoming sight already but walking in to the house in the state of pregnancy I was with two kiddos when my husband started a new job was overwhelming. I sat down on the dirty living room carpet with my back against the wall and cried. I could not see an end in sight and the thought that I could have this baby any day with the place we were living in the state it was became too much for my mind to handle.

We knew we didn't have a lot of time to sulk so we got to work as soon as we could and started getting things ready to clean. We moved cleaning supplies and beds in and got to work. Little did I know that two nights later my water would break and I would go into labor. :-)

On Wednesday, September 9th I work up for the day with energy, much more than I had the previous day and figured I would use it to try and get down what I could. Once I got the kids organized and entertained I cleaned that morning and after Grandma Benson came to help I took off for a while to get some much needed groceries and home supplies. When Nathan got home that afternoon we did inventory of the house and everything we needed to get at our huge Lowe's trip to get this house into shape. Shortly after, around 3:30 p.m. we took off to look at new appliances for the house. We had none. We spent a few hours looking at appliances at two different stores and on our way to Lowe's Nathan wanted to stop and see a friend. We stopped for a minute, joked about going into labor, and afterwards we were off to Lowe's where we spent our evening.

I'm sure I was quite the site waddling around that store. We were hauling two carts chuck full and we had an open push cart full of paint up front. I don't remember how many people asked me about my due date. I know a couple people who saw us an hour or two after helping us would walk by and comment, "You're still here? What can we do to help?" One sweet lady was so concerned about me and made sure to help us find the last few things we needed so we could get out the door and offering me a chair at checkout. It took us about 30-45 minutes just to check out and then we were on our way.

I remember joking with Nathan back and forth about going into labor after walking around Lowe's for so long. He told me multiple times that day that I was not allowed to have a baby right now. Tough luck.

We arrived back to our house that night just after 10:00 p.m. Shortly after walking in the door I told Nathan and his parents that I was going to lay down for a bit in the bed as I was very tired and sore. I got comfortable and about 5-10 minutes after doing so I felt the familiar pop that I had with my first baby. My water broke and I knew then that I would have a baby in the next 12 hours or so.
Shortly after I texted my midwives to let them know. They told me to let them know when contractions were close enough together. My contractions started very shortly after my water broke and seemed to progress pretty quickly. They were not really strong but were coming pretty often by about 11:00 p.m. so my midwives told me to go ahead and come into the birth center to be safe. We packed up our bags and headed off to the birth center.

I spent the next couple hours walking around the birth center. When the contractions started getting more intense and the bath was full I went ahead and got into the birthing tub to help with the edge of pain. It was heaven. I loved being able to labor in the water and did for quite some time, eventually turning on my Hypnobabies track to try and really relax a bit.

At one point myself, my husband, my mother, my mother-in-law, and my midwives all caught a little nap. I am still so grateful for that little nap to recharge after what was an incredibly long day and looking forward to a long night and morning. After napping for a bit I decided to get out of the water and walk around a bit to get things moving again. My midwife, Amuri checked on Kalani and as anticipated she was still hanging out on my right side, not the ideal place for birthing. Usually babies tend to move over to the left side to prepare for birth as it is easier for birthing. After realizing she wasn't moving as we wanted, my midwife asked me to lay down on my left side to give gravity a try. I lied in bed for quite a while, however kept asking if I could get back into the tub as my birthing waves were getting more intense. We warned the water back up and I got into the tub for my last leg of labor.

I labored in the tub again for a while and as my birthing wives got more intense time ticked on. Both of my previous labors were about 9 hours and when I got to that 9 hour mark I started getting pretty discouraged. The contractions were intense but I did not feel the urge to push. I wanted to have that baby but it just wasn't happening like we wanted. I consented to having my midwives check my dilation. At this point I was at a 9. I didn't want to break my other bag of waters so I passed on that and continued to labor in the tub.

About an hour later I knew things still were not progressing as anticipated so I decided to go ahead and have my other bag of waters broken. Discussing this with my midwives we were all pretty confident that Kalani would come shortly after, as I was hoping. Birthing waves got very intense just as I knew they would after breaking my water but the urge to push didn't come. I was getting very discouraged, tired, and beyond ready to have my sweet girl at this point. I kept a constant prayer in my mind for my Savior to lift me up and help me to finish the birthing process.

I was fully submissive at that point. I had visualized a very specific birth in my mind for much of my pregnancy and at this point I knew that it wasn't going to happen as I wanted. I had to submit and realize that what I wanted was not necessarily the way this baby needed to be birthed and that was okay.

My midwife checked me again to see if there was something going on that was stopping progression at that point and we realized that Kalani was trying to come out face first. She had hyper-extended her neck so that she was not able to move through smoothly. Danielle worked on trying to coax Kalani to move her head back in place for a little while. I labored again for a little bit when Danielle had what I believe in my heart was a prompting from the Spirit to get me out of the water and in a different position.

Part of my visualization of birthing, was having a gentle water birth but I knew that I needed to be willing to let go of that. I changed positions as asked to a sitting position and almost immediately the urge to push came. I sat for a couple minutes at which point my midwives asked if I would like to get back in the tub to which I promptly responded I didn't. Haha. I was ready and not moving! I did move to my hands and knees right before and after 3 minutes of pushing, our sweet Kalani Elizabeth finally joined us.

I knew it would take me some time to really internalize all my feeling from the birthing experience. It turned out completely different than what I had visualized. I wasn't immediately okay with that. I desired for different things with this birth and not all of them came. But, one of my midwives said something. She said she was sorry I was not able to have the water birth I wanted but that it just wasn't quite what my baby needed. Kalani needed something a little different than what I wanted. Isn't it true in much of life though that about the third watch, the last hour, is when we realize what we want might not be what we need..

I know though, without a doubt, that I was where I needed to be and had chosen the right care providers for this birth. Being able to be in the birth suite setting with my calm, collected, and capable midwives kept me calm. I was able to do what I needed to do in a relaxed, comfortable setting and birthing my baby girl naturally helped me to be in tune and knowledgeable to what needed to happen.

Becoming a mother has been the most humbling and spiritual experience I have ever had. Each time I go through the birthing experience I learn new things about myself, my capabilities, my body, and my Savior. I can't tell you how many times I prayed during those hours of labor, especially at the end; and I know that I was made more, I was strengthened, and I was carried during my birth experience through my Savior's atonement.

There is such a sweetness in knowing the miracle of motherhood in all it's ways. So sweet.

Sunday Will Come

My thoughts are turned heavenward today.

I've been intensely focused on making plans in our lives right now; trying to make sense of the uncertainties I feel but my thoughts the last few days have kept turning to stories I hear in the lives of others. Right as I am beginning to become frustrated with those uncertainties the Lord has reminded me of a very real struggle in the life of another. He's trying to soften the heart of mine that sometimes bears stony ground.

I'm reminded lately of friends and family with much more uncertainty in jobs or moving, those dealing with a very real struggle of depression and anxiety, some living with struggles and the fear of terminal cancer, family fighting a valiant, but tiring fight against cystic fibrosis,  parents mourning the loss of a child, strangers and those I know battling infertility and more. The struggles in this life can be so very real and raw.

I've also seen great miracles  and cause for celebration happen in the lives of some I know closely, not so closely, and not at all. The miracle of adoption for a sweet family waiting many years, the birth of precious new babes into the world, vacation for some who haven't experienced one in years, and solutions to health problems coming in the lives of others.

I've wanted to envelop each and every person, struggling or celebrating, in a hope to send them one more bit of hope and love in their journey. I look at the two, those struggling and those celebrating, and don't know why some have cause to mourn or endure pain at the moment while others have cause to celebrate, but one thought comes to mind with Easter last weekend  and the words of the prophet and apostles of my church spoken in a worldwide General Conference. We each have a Savior, He is real and he is involved in the daily struggles and celebrations we experience. Each name is written on his heart, in his blood, and on the palms of his hands. He knows our struggles and our joys. He knows the each twist and turn on the path we are called to walk. He knows the way because he is the way.

I find the joining together of hearts a miracle. Sometimes hearts are joined together more deeply through struggle and sometimes through joy, but I believe the Lord joins our hearts together in an effort to show us a glimpse into the very real and personal love he feels for us.

He is forever our advocate with the Father, in joy or pain. He is fighting your cause. He is walking by your side and at times carrying you in arms that will never fail you. Sunday will come.

Uncertain Adventures

We are blessed to have a lot of adventure in our life right now...uncertain adventure but adventure nonetheless.

You know I think that's what life is though...one uncertain adventure! One beautiful, uncertain adventure!

We found out in January that we are adding another little one to the Benson bunch! We will be a family of five! I'm not planning on it but I hope I can stay caught up to three little ones come September!

We were in Florida when we found out, where we were for about four months to see Nathan's hard work for the last four year be shot into space! The NASA MMS Spacecraft that Nathan has worked on launched on March 12th and he was able to be finish work on it and see it launch into space to fulfill it's mission!

We are back in Maryland for just a few weeks, after which his contract will end. The plan was to have a job lined up in Utah already and be heading off onto a much more certain adventure. However, that isn't our reality. We have no job lined up and we are living on a prayer that Heavenly Father will help us find our way that aligns with his plan in this uncertain adventure of life!

I've spent a lot of time being frustrated that my plans have not come to fruition. I've had a lot of hopes for our new journey that haven't happened or I know now aren't going to happen. There has been some disappointment felt, tears cried, and learning to let go. The journey isn't happening how I planned for it. I'm not getting exactly what I want. There are lots of things I want that I see others have. I want my own beautiful home, land to have a little farm on, for my husband and I to be done with school, and some other things. I've spent time playing the game of comparison and growing disappointment, robbing myself of the joy in the trenches. "Comparison is the thief of joy" but it's just not worth it. Joy does not come in gaining what others have. "Joy is not in things, it is in us!"

There is joy to be found in the trenches of this uncertain adventure. My journey is my own and it's time to find joy in that journey. I will work towards my goals and dreams on the path that Heavenly Father places in front of me. There will be joy and I am meant to experience that if I let myself.

I believe our natural state is joy! Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. That doesn't mean it's always going to be right in front of us. Sometimes we will have to look for it to find it but there is joy even in the darkest of days.

Find joy in the trenches.

Not My Will

I guess I'll try this whole blogging thing again...at least while I feel like it! ;-)

But really, I guess I need to write a few things out...make sense of it all...organize my thoughts...and explain a few things. What better place, right!?! Haha...you don't have to agree with that BUT you can if you want to!

I'm constantly being shaped, changed, molded into something I'm not yet but hope to be. I have plenty of ideas in my head of what life should be like, what I should be doing, and even what would make me happy but those things don't usually seem to be the answer. Sometimes the answer comes softly, sometimes I have to be hit over the head with what seems like a literal hammer, and sometimes Heavenly Father is patient with me but nudging me for quite a while before I finally surrender my will.

I'm stubborn and when I get an idea in my head it's HARD to get it out. I don't like to fail and yet I'm learning that is exactly what life is about, FAILURE, over and over again until some day we are okay with understanding that we are imperfect and our plans aren't always HIS plans (and then usually we fail some more, repeating the cycle ;-)).

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I've had a lot of people ask recently if I'm still doing that coaching thing and what's going on. I post endlessly on Facebook and Instagram for a year about my health and fitness journey and then all the sudden I drop off the face of that world pretty abruptly. I had a couple sweet friends tell me they were worried and wanting to make sure everything was okay. I've had a lot of people ask what's up so I guess I decided I should just go ahead and write it out...do some explaining!

Yes, I am still a Beachbody coach. I believe in the system and I believe in the products. They changed A LOT for me! With that being said, No I am not actively building a coaching business with Beachbody. Do I still believe in the business side of Beachbody? Absolutely! I love the business structure as well.

So why up and quit building?

I don't have all the answers and some people won't understand the reasoning (I figure that's why I didn't feel like explaining it in the first place) BUT, I'm following my purpose. Wait, Beachbody coaching was my purpose, right? Yes, it was a part of my purpose AT THE TIME and I thought maybe forever but sometimes our plans aren't HIS plans. I truly believe in my heart that God has a plan for each one of us and while I thought Beachbody coaching would be in my plan for a much longer time I was wrong, and that's okay.

This time around my Heavenly Father was pretty patient, but with lots of nudging a long the way, until I was finally able to realize and accept that I couldn't ignore promptings that my purpose needed to move elsewhere. I still don't have a definite path that I know is meant to replace Beachbody coaching but sometimes the answers don't come right away. Sometimes they come over time and sometimes we just don't see them for a while.

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I have a beautiful family I call my purpose. They are the center of it all and the rest while it can be full of AMAZING opportunities can't all be part of what God has in store for me so I'll focus on the center and let the rest happen as it needs to.

The lessons of life come in different ways for all of us and while sometimes we wish our path looked more like another's or maybe that it didn't veer off of the path we had set it in our mind ultimately God has a plan; and that plan is much more than we could ever imagine with all of it's twist and turns.