Motherhood is Softening my Heart

You know I used to be a crier. Emotions often brought tears to the surface but these days I'm not really a crier. I was wondering today why that is and then I had the perfect day to evaluate those thoughts.

With my husband gone to Florida for work I am manning the children by myself. (My props, love, and hugs go out to those single mothers, military wives, and women who do this much more regularly than I do...you are strong...keep going...I admire you!) It was a particularly difficult day with my 3 year old boy, who is very much my spirited child. And, this evening when I found myself in the Target parking lot for 30 minutes trying to coax him into his car seat midst screaming, tears, and thrashing I asked myself why it was I wasn't breaking down into tears at this point. A part of me wished I could, wished I would and that it would release some of the emotions and frustration I was feeling but it would have been forced if I had.

I wondered if I had become harder through the last few years of my life. With every year of life comes more experience. Had motherhood hardened me a little? Had I let life harden me? And, I'm sure in some way I have but in the same way I realize that tears aren't required to show softness, tenderness, and kindness. In the same way that you can cry and still be strong I believe you don't have to cry to be soft and tender in life.

Motherhood has strengthened me but most often that is the result of being broken down first. I have wondered many times in the past 3 years why motherhood doesn't seem to be the uplifting, filling activity I always thought it would be before I had kids. (I still testify that motherhood is rewarding, joyful, and fulfilling. It is divine and blessed. But, it is also draining and often times feels like defeat.) Then my friend said something the other day that struck a cord in me. Talking about this same thing I mention above she said, "...but, motherhood isn't necessarily meant to fill us up. It is meant to fill our kids up."

I realized then that you know maybe I am doing something right. Maybe and hopefully feeling depleted in the area of motherhood at the end of the day means that I spent my time lifting up my children. I believe in taking time for yourself to fill your own cup so that you can come back a more patient, better person in all aspects of life but I also think that motherhood is a wild ride and sometimes no matter how great that personal time is you can once again be depleted as a mother, in what feels like an instant.

And then today when I was reading this post by Stephanie Nielsen of NieNie Dialogues I was reminded of my strength as a mother and reminded of one of my favorite talks on motherhood where Elder Jeffrey R. Holland says:

"Mothers, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones. 

Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be

 magnified, compensated, made more than you are, better than you are, 

and better than you have ever been. You are doing terrifically well. 

The very fact that you have been given such a responsibility is 

everlasting evidence of the trust your Father in Heaven has in you. 

He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days

 and your nights may be the most challenging. Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.”

I am reminded of the great work I am doing. Yes, it can be depleting. It can be challenging. But, I am being strengthened, uplifted, and softened every day through this journey as a mother. My Father in Heaven is behind me 100 percent. He is rooting for me and he is aiding me on my journey.

A Father's Day Lesson

When most people meet my little guy for the first time one of their first questions is, "Is he always like this?" referring to his energy level. My response is always the same, "Yep!"

Going to church is an interesting experience for us each week. You see, Kamden LOVES nursery but Sacrament meeting isn't so easy. We usually end up taking him out of Sacrament at least twice a meeting (some days I wonder why we even try to go in the chapel in the first place) and putting him in time out to talk to him about reverence and respect. This usually involves screaming, tears, and unfortunately, hitting on his part. On our part it often involves, lots of prayer and pleading for patience, waiting, frustration, and yes, often times tears. 

Kamden is a character all on his own, tough as nails, full of an exuberant amount of energy, a stubborn will of his own, and a really hard negotiator. Before becoming a mother I used to think that it just took some good stern talking to and showing him there was no negotiation; but now I am a mother to Kamden and my life is full of trying to negotiate, stern talking to, and absolutely no deal between the two of us. 

Sacrament meeting happened this way today...on Father's Day. He was out of the chapel in time out more than he wasn't and Neither Nathan, Kamden, or myself made it out of Sacrament meeting today without tears. Thank Heavens he is in love with nursery and we have AMAZING nursery leaders. We made it through the next two hours of church until it was time to pick up Kamden from nursery. Now, picking Kamden up from nursery is like trying to pry an angry badger out of his burrow (in the words of his father). 

Today, I just decided to go straight into the nursery room instead of picking him up at the gate that is usually set up, and the second he saw me he ran. He hid in the cupboard (his burrow) with the car he was not going to give up. Without ease I pried him from his burrow. The problem is now I have to pry the car away. There was flailing and no negotiation happening here. I kneel on the ground ( in complete frustration and embarrassment with my skills as a mother) as he slumps down to the floor and refuses to let me pick him up. There was no holding back the tears, and again they came, for about the third time in the past 3 hours. 

Finally, tears coming from my eyes gave him the reasoning needed to let me pick him up. I walk out with his sweaty body in my arms and make it to his dad just in time for him to throw another fit. To give you an idea of how hard he runs each day during Nursery I pick him up with his hair completely soaked each week as if I just pulled him from the swimming pool. Another sister in the ward asked me as I walked his sweaty body out of the nursery room if they were running a sweat shop in there. "He looks like he just ran a marathon!" she said to which I replied, "He runs a marathon every day!" He never stops and he loves to run.

By the time we got home and got him in the house we finally put him straight to bed after trying and failing once again to communicate with that stubborn 2 year old. With him in bed, both Nathan and myself, end up slumping down on the couch, once again in tears. As we talk, the patient, understanding husband and father of this household pulls me up and tells me to come with him. We went into our bedroom where that little boy was laying and laid our tired bodies next to his. While laying there and trying to understand how to get through to this little guy I heard a voice in my head saying, "Just love him." 

My sweet husband, the father of that sweet boy, taught me a valuable lesson today. At the point which I felt all hope was lost and I was praying for a divine answer I got the one I wasn't expecting, a simple, "love him."  How I am grateful for that husband of mine and his wisdom.

Happy Father's Day to you, Nathan. Thank you for constantly being an answer to my prayers.

I had no doubt in my mind when marrying that man that he would be a one of a kind father, one I would be proud to raise children with and he proved that to me again today. He made it possible for me to hear the whispering of the Spirit answering my question with the words of my Father in Heaven and the Heavenly Father of that little boy to do just what a parent is supposed to do.

It won't be easy but we will keep taking that little boy to church each week and no matter how hard it is we will love him. I have no doubt there will be more tears and frustration and I'm sure I have a lot to learn in how to be a parent but I'm trying, we're trying. And, no matter how much I want that easy answer I have a feeling that deep down I know that's not what is meant to be. We love him regardless.