Broken

It's been awhile. I haven't wanted to write. It's hard to explain.

A part of me feels so guilty for not moving on or letting go or getting over the grief. I still feel so stuck in denial and in a playback of emotions and feelings. I feel bad for not being a happy person at times that I probably should.

I can be so productive in a day and by that afternoon I'd rather hide away and sleep to push away emotion. Some days I just feel sad and I don't want to change it. Some days I feel guilt. Other days I feel angry. Either way, I feel like I'm trying to run from the feelings but they just keep catching up to me.

Driving down the road, on a Sunday about a week ago while listening to Sounds of Sunday I heard the song I used for part of the words at my dad's funeral. It's all about being broken and the growth that can come from that as a result of the Atonement of Christ.

But see, I've been angry a lot. I've literally pounded on walls, slammed doors, screamed into a pillow, and used MMA workouts to try and dispel that feeling. It still comes back, though not as consistently as it did before. I haven't connected much hope or healing to my dad's death yet.

When I heard that song over the radio, I listened again to those words and thought of Father's Day with my family. I was taken back remembering my family shedding tears over that broken earth used for the burial services. I thought of the sod pieced together but broken and struggling to connect all those pieces.

This is my heart and I know the hearts of my family; broken and struggling to put the pieces back together. Our tears that fell over my dad's grave that day and so many more that have fallen and are to fall, may over time contribute to the healing and connecting of that broken sod. So, while I don't feel the connection yet and I know that it won't ever be as it was before, hopefully there will be healing in time. Hopefully the broken hearts will find a new "normal" and mend the tattered pieces.

Hopefully I can learn to better take part in the healing and enabling powers of the Atonement and Resurrection, remembering they are there.

Sunday Will Come

My thoughts are turned heavenward today.

I've been intensely focused on making plans in our lives right now; trying to make sense of the uncertainties I feel but my thoughts the last few days have kept turning to stories I hear in the lives of others. Right as I am beginning to become frustrated with those uncertainties the Lord has reminded me of a very real struggle in the life of another. He's trying to soften the heart of mine that sometimes bears stony ground.

I'm reminded lately of friends and family with much more uncertainty in jobs or moving, those dealing with a very real struggle of depression and anxiety, some living with struggles and the fear of terminal cancer, family fighting a valiant, but tiring fight against cystic fibrosis,  parents mourning the loss of a child, strangers and those I know battling infertility and more. The struggles in this life can be so very real and raw.

I've also seen great miracles  and cause for celebration happen in the lives of some I know closely, not so closely, and not at all. The miracle of adoption for a sweet family waiting many years, the birth of precious new babes into the world, vacation for some who haven't experienced one in years, and solutions to health problems coming in the lives of others.

I've wanted to envelop each and every person, struggling or celebrating, in a hope to send them one more bit of hope and love in their journey. I look at the two, those struggling and those celebrating, and don't know why some have cause to mourn or endure pain at the moment while others have cause to celebrate, but one thought comes to mind with Easter last weekend  and the words of the prophet and apostles of my church spoken in a worldwide General Conference. We each have a Savior, He is real and he is involved in the daily struggles and celebrations we experience. Each name is written on his heart, in his blood, and on the palms of his hands. He knows our struggles and our joys. He knows the each twist and turn on the path we are called to walk. He knows the way because he is the way.

I find the joining together of hearts a miracle. Sometimes hearts are joined together more deeply through struggle and sometimes through joy, but I believe the Lord joins our hearts together in an effort to show us a glimpse into the very real and personal love he feels for us.

He is forever our advocate with the Father, in joy or pain. He is fighting your cause. He is walking by your side and at times carrying you in arms that will never fail you. Sunday will come.

Uncertain Adventures

We are blessed to have a lot of adventure in our life right now...uncertain adventure but adventure nonetheless.

You know I think that's what life is though...one uncertain adventure! One beautiful, uncertain adventure!

We found out in January that we are adding another little one to the Benson bunch! We will be a family of five! I'm not planning on it but I hope I can stay caught up to three little ones come September!

We were in Florida when we found out, where we were for about four months to see Nathan's hard work for the last four year be shot into space! The NASA MMS Spacecraft that Nathan has worked on launched on March 12th and he was able to be finish work on it and see it launch into space to fulfill it's mission!

We are back in Maryland for just a few weeks, after which his contract will end. The plan was to have a job lined up in Utah already and be heading off onto a much more certain adventure. However, that isn't our reality. We have no job lined up and we are living on a prayer that Heavenly Father will help us find our way that aligns with his plan in this uncertain adventure of life!

I've spent a lot of time being frustrated that my plans have not come to fruition. I've had a lot of hopes for our new journey that haven't happened or I know now aren't going to happen. There has been some disappointment felt, tears cried, and learning to let go. The journey isn't happening how I planned for it. I'm not getting exactly what I want. There are lots of things I want that I see others have. I want my own beautiful home, land to have a little farm on, for my husband and I to be done with school, and some other things. I've spent time playing the game of comparison and growing disappointment, robbing myself of the joy in the trenches. "Comparison is the thief of joy" but it's just not worth it. Joy does not come in gaining what others have. "Joy is not in things, it is in us!"

There is joy to be found in the trenches of this uncertain adventure. My journey is my own and it's time to find joy in that journey. I will work towards my goals and dreams on the path that Heavenly Father places in front of me. There will be joy and I am meant to experience that if I let myself.

I believe our natural state is joy! Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. That doesn't mean it's always going to be right in front of us. Sometimes we will have to look for it to find it but there is joy even in the darkest of days.

Find joy in the trenches.

Not My Will

I guess I'll try this whole blogging thing again...at least while I feel like it! ;-)

But really, I guess I need to write a few things out...make sense of it all...organize my thoughts...and explain a few things. What better place, right!?! Haha...you don't have to agree with that BUT you can if you want to!

I'm constantly being shaped, changed, molded into something I'm not yet but hope to be. I have plenty of ideas in my head of what life should be like, what I should be doing, and even what would make me happy but those things don't usually seem to be the answer. Sometimes the answer comes softly, sometimes I have to be hit over the head with what seems like a literal hammer, and sometimes Heavenly Father is patient with me but nudging me for quite a while before I finally surrender my will.

I'm stubborn and when I get an idea in my head it's HARD to get it out. I don't like to fail and yet I'm learning that is exactly what life is about, FAILURE, over and over again until some day we are okay with understanding that we are imperfect and our plans aren't always HIS plans (and then usually we fail some more, repeating the cycle ;-)).

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I've had a lot of people ask recently if I'm still doing that coaching thing and what's going on. I post endlessly on Facebook and Instagram for a year about my health and fitness journey and then all the sudden I drop off the face of that world pretty abruptly. I had a couple sweet friends tell me they were worried and wanting to make sure everything was okay. I've had a lot of people ask what's up so I guess I decided I should just go ahead and write it out...do some explaining!

Yes, I am still a Beachbody coach. I believe in the system and I believe in the products. They changed A LOT for me! With that being said, No I am not actively building a coaching business with Beachbody. Do I still believe in the business side of Beachbody? Absolutely! I love the business structure as well.

So why up and quit building?

I don't have all the answers and some people won't understand the reasoning (I figure that's why I didn't feel like explaining it in the first place) BUT, I'm following my purpose. Wait, Beachbody coaching was my purpose, right? Yes, it was a part of my purpose AT THE TIME and I thought maybe forever but sometimes our plans aren't HIS plans. I truly believe in my heart that God has a plan for each one of us and while I thought Beachbody coaching would be in my plan for a much longer time I was wrong, and that's okay.

This time around my Heavenly Father was pretty patient, but with lots of nudging a long the way, until I was finally able to realize and accept that I couldn't ignore promptings that my purpose needed to move elsewhere. I still don't have a definite path that I know is meant to replace Beachbody coaching but sometimes the answers don't come right away. Sometimes they come over time and sometimes we just don't see them for a while.

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I have a beautiful family I call my purpose. They are the center of it all and the rest while it can be full of AMAZING opportunities can't all be part of what God has in store for me so I'll focus on the center and let the rest happen as it needs to.

The lessons of life come in different ways for all of us and while sometimes we wish our path looked more like another's or maybe that it didn't veer off of the path we had set it in our mind ultimately God has a plan; and that plan is much more than we could ever imagine with all of it's twist and turns.