Uncertain Adventures

We are blessed to have a lot of adventure in our life right now...uncertain adventure but adventure nonetheless.

You know I think that's what life is though...one uncertain adventure! One beautiful, uncertain adventure!

We found out in January that we are adding another little one to the Benson bunch! We will be a family of five! I'm not planning on it but I hope I can stay caught up to three little ones come September!

We were in Florida when we found out, where we were for about four months to see Nathan's hard work for the last four year be shot into space! The NASA MMS Spacecraft that Nathan has worked on launched on March 12th and he was able to be finish work on it and see it launch into space to fulfill it's mission!

We are back in Maryland for just a few weeks, after which his contract will end. The plan was to have a job lined up in Utah already and be heading off onto a much more certain adventure. However, that isn't our reality. We have no job lined up and we are living on a prayer that Heavenly Father will help us find our way that aligns with his plan in this uncertain adventure of life!

I've spent a lot of time being frustrated that my plans have not come to fruition. I've had a lot of hopes for our new journey that haven't happened or I know now aren't going to happen. There has been some disappointment felt, tears cried, and learning to let go. The journey isn't happening how I planned for it. I'm not getting exactly what I want. There are lots of things I want that I see others have. I want my own beautiful home, land to have a little farm on, for my husband and I to be done with school, and some other things. I've spent time playing the game of comparison and growing disappointment, robbing myself of the joy in the trenches. "Comparison is the thief of joy" but it's just not worth it. Joy does not come in gaining what others have. "Joy is not in things, it is in us!"

There is joy to be found in the trenches of this uncertain adventure. My journey is my own and it's time to find joy in that journey. I will work towards my goals and dreams on the path that Heavenly Father places in front of me. There will be joy and I am meant to experience that if I let myself.

I believe our natural state is joy! Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. That doesn't mean it's always going to be right in front of us. Sometimes we will have to look for it to find it but there is joy even in the darkest of days.

Find joy in the trenches.

Motherhood is Softening my Heart

You know I used to be a crier. Emotions often brought tears to the surface but these days I'm not really a crier. I was wondering today why that is and then I had the perfect day to evaluate those thoughts.

With my husband gone to Florida for work I am manning the children by myself. (My props, love, and hugs go out to those single mothers, military wives, and women who do this much more regularly than I do...you are strong...keep going...I admire you!) It was a particularly difficult day with my 3 year old boy, who is very much my spirited child. And, this evening when I found myself in the Target parking lot for 30 minutes trying to coax him into his car seat midst screaming, tears, and thrashing I asked myself why it was I wasn't breaking down into tears at this point. A part of me wished I could, wished I would and that it would release some of the emotions and frustration I was feeling but it would have been forced if I had.

I wondered if I had become harder through the last few years of my life. With every year of life comes more experience. Had motherhood hardened me a little? Had I let life harden me? And, I'm sure in some way I have but in the same way I realize that tears aren't required to show softness, tenderness, and kindness. In the same way that you can cry and still be strong I believe you don't have to cry to be soft and tender in life.

Motherhood has strengthened me but most often that is the result of being broken down first. I have wondered many times in the past 3 years why motherhood doesn't seem to be the uplifting, filling activity I always thought it would be before I had kids. (I still testify that motherhood is rewarding, joyful, and fulfilling. It is divine and blessed. But, it is also draining and often times feels like defeat.) Then my friend said something the other day that struck a cord in me. Talking about this same thing I mention above she said, "...but, motherhood isn't necessarily meant to fill us up. It is meant to fill our kids up."

I realized then that you know maybe I am doing something right. Maybe and hopefully feeling depleted in the area of motherhood at the end of the day means that I spent my time lifting up my children. I believe in taking time for yourself to fill your own cup so that you can come back a more patient, better person in all aspects of life but I also think that motherhood is a wild ride and sometimes no matter how great that personal time is you can once again be depleted as a mother, in what feels like an instant.

And then today when I was reading this post by Stephanie Nielsen of NieNie Dialogues I was reminded of my strength as a mother and reminded of one of my favorite talks on motherhood where Elder Jeffrey R. Holland says:

"Mothers, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones. 

Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be

 magnified, compensated, made more than you are, better than you are, 

and better than you have ever been. You are doing terrifically well. 

The very fact that you have been given such a responsibility is 

everlasting evidence of the trust your Father in Heaven has in you. 

He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days

 and your nights may be the most challenging. Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.”

I am reminded of the great work I am doing. Yes, it can be depleting. It can be challenging. But, I am being strengthened, uplifted, and softened every day through this journey as a mother. My Father in Heaven is behind me 100 percent. He is rooting for me and he is aiding me on my journey.

Consistency: Turn Your Test into Your Testimony

I've always been my worst critic. Most of us are, right? And, I've always worried about what other people thought of me. If someone disproved of something I did it would affect me for days. Sometimes it still does.

Here's the thing. Some of us are both with an inherent sensitivity and it can be both a blessing at times and other times it can be incredibly hard to reason through. Naturally, I am an introvert so my thoughts, which are many, wander through my head and most often they stay there. Along with that I worry often about others as well and how they are doing in this journey called life. Some days it's like one big boatload of worry.

Many of you know I struggled with postpartum depression after having both of my babies. I was supposed to be incredibly happy and beaming with love but inside I was torn apart, feeling alone, and defeated. I did not feel adequate and it was a challenge to get through the day to day activities as a mother, let alone anything else. Emotion (good and bad) swirled within my head and my heart and it seemed to rest their permanently, sometimes feeling as if I was unable to function and paralyzed to act.

I started a journey into improving my health last year, both mentally and physically. I started reading my scriptures more regularly and personal development daily as well. I relied on my Savior to pull me through and to help me to work on myself. Regular exercise and good nutrition became a part of my daily habits. I didn't feel better overnight. It took time and hard work. It took consistency compounded over time but within time I was feeling much more alive. I am grateful for the courage, understanding, and empathy I gained from this experience.

So, one would think that depression would be a thing of the past for me. I have to tell you, and anyone else who has experienced depression can as well, that some days I find myself feeling those intense emotions again or complete numbness. And, I know it comes on both good days and bad days sometimes. I'm not sure the reasons and this post isn't about those. It's about more than that. It's about the journey.

It's easy to go through life thinking that once we move past one hurdle it will forever be in our past. This isn't true of anything. I know this to be true with both my depression and with my obsession over food and my body I have had in the past. I've never dealt with addictions of alcohol, drugs, or other things but I know it is true for those things as well. Days will come that it seems harder to pull yourself from that life of depression or addiction or obsession no matter who you are. The true test is in how we combat that and deal with it. Do we take action to move ourselves forward or do we wallow? Are we consistent with the actions that we know keep us from giving in to that old self?

Life is about consistency for me. Some things I'm still really struggling to find consistency with...even some of my strengths but we can't gain a testimony without the test. That testimony comes through consistent, daily effort to better ourselves...to do the things that are easy to do but also easy not to do. Power comes through action and that is the hardest thing to do sometimes! But, do we want to look back realizing we let things slip right through our grasp? NO! We work for the good things...we hold on so tight that blisters form because we know in the end it will be worth it. In the end we will look back and realize that when it got tough and it was really easy to give up and give in, we didn't. Instead we fought the good fight, we finished the course, we kept the faith!

A Father's Day Lesson

When most people meet my little guy for the first time one of their first questions is, "Is he always like this?" referring to his energy level. My response is always the same, "Yep!"

Going to church is an interesting experience for us each week. You see, Kamden LOVES nursery but Sacrament meeting isn't so easy. We usually end up taking him out of Sacrament at least twice a meeting (some days I wonder why we even try to go in the chapel in the first place) and putting him in time out to talk to him about reverence and respect. This usually involves screaming, tears, and unfortunately, hitting on his part. On our part it often involves, lots of prayer and pleading for patience, waiting, frustration, and yes, often times tears. 

Kamden is a character all on his own, tough as nails, full of an exuberant amount of energy, a stubborn will of his own, and a really hard negotiator. Before becoming a mother I used to think that it just took some good stern talking to and showing him there was no negotiation; but now I am a mother to Kamden and my life is full of trying to negotiate, stern talking to, and absolutely no deal between the two of us. 

Sacrament meeting happened this way today...on Father's Day. He was out of the chapel in time out more than he wasn't and Neither Nathan, Kamden, or myself made it out of Sacrament meeting today without tears. Thank Heavens he is in love with nursery and we have AMAZING nursery leaders. We made it through the next two hours of church until it was time to pick up Kamden from nursery. Now, picking Kamden up from nursery is like trying to pry an angry badger out of his burrow (in the words of his father). 

Today, I just decided to go straight into the nursery room instead of picking him up at the gate that is usually set up, and the second he saw me he ran. He hid in the cupboard (his burrow) with the car he was not going to give up. Without ease I pried him from his burrow. The problem is now I have to pry the car away. There was flailing and no negotiation happening here. I kneel on the ground ( in complete frustration and embarrassment with my skills as a mother) as he slumps down to the floor and refuses to let me pick him up. There was no holding back the tears, and again they came, for about the third time in the past 3 hours. 

Finally, tears coming from my eyes gave him the reasoning needed to let me pick him up. I walk out with his sweaty body in my arms and make it to his dad just in time for him to throw another fit. To give you an idea of how hard he runs each day during Nursery I pick him up with his hair completely soaked each week as if I just pulled him from the swimming pool. Another sister in the ward asked me as I walked his sweaty body out of the nursery room if they were running a sweat shop in there. "He looks like he just ran a marathon!" she said to which I replied, "He runs a marathon every day!" He never stops and he loves to run.

By the time we got home and got him in the house we finally put him straight to bed after trying and failing once again to communicate with that stubborn 2 year old. With him in bed, both Nathan and myself, end up slumping down on the couch, once again in tears. As we talk, the patient, understanding husband and father of this household pulls me up and tells me to come with him. We went into our bedroom where that little boy was laying and laid our tired bodies next to his. While laying there and trying to understand how to get through to this little guy I heard a voice in my head saying, "Just love him." 

My sweet husband, the father of that sweet boy, taught me a valuable lesson today. At the point which I felt all hope was lost and I was praying for a divine answer I got the one I wasn't expecting, a simple, "love him."  How I am grateful for that husband of mine and his wisdom.

Happy Father's Day to you, Nathan. Thank you for constantly being an answer to my prayers.

I had no doubt in my mind when marrying that man that he would be a one of a kind father, one I would be proud to raise children with and he proved that to me again today. He made it possible for me to hear the whispering of the Spirit answering my question with the words of my Father in Heaven and the Heavenly Father of that little boy to do just what a parent is supposed to do.

It won't be easy but we will keep taking that little boy to church each week and no matter how hard it is we will love him. I have no doubt there will be more tears and frustration and I'm sure I have a lot to learn in how to be a parent but I'm trying, we're trying. And, no matter how much I want that easy answer I have a feeling that deep down I know that's not what is meant to be. We love him regardless.

Fighting our Silent Battles

As a mother I can't tell you how many times I've woken up in the middle of the night to the cries of one of my babies and I can't find any specific reason why they are crying but it is more than aware through their cries that they are in some kind of pain, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional. Part of the unspoken job of a mother is to comfort our children, to ease their pain and when we can't do that  we feel a pain (I would venture to say at times) as intense as our dear child's.

As my companion and I were Visiting Teaching (a calling to minister to individual sisters in my church) a sister in my ward we learned that her daughter in law had been diagnosed with brain cancer, which was found to be inoperable. While discussing her thoughts and feelings she told us of how it was much more difficult to see her children go through the struggles of life and learn those lessons than it was to experience them herself.

We spoke of seeking the comfort and aid of the Lord in our times of struggle. We spoke of the Lord's hand reaching for ours always and how we also must reach in order to receive the help he so eagerly wants to provide us with.

The most challenging battles we fight in life are fought in silence. Those around us can not know of our pain. These silent battles, whether they are those of a child crying out in the middle of the night, or those of the child's mother, aching for the ability to ease the pain of that innocent child in her arms, are difficult but essential. In The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupery it says, "It's only with the heart that one can see rightly. What's essential is invisible to the eye."

It is true in our lives that the lessons to be learned in life are only seen with the heart. They are invisible to the eye and therefore the silent struggle used to lead us there can only be seen and experienced in the throes of the heart. It is also true that the only healing balm adequate for these struggles comes through our Savior, Jesus Christ who took those silent battles upon himself one by one.