Broken

It's been awhile. I haven't wanted to write. It's hard to explain.

A part of me feels so guilty for not moving on or letting go or getting over the grief. I still feel so stuck in denial and in a playback of emotions and feelings. I feel bad for not being a happy person at times that I probably should.

I can be so productive in a day and by that afternoon I'd rather hide away and sleep to push away emotion. Some days I just feel sad and I don't want to change it. Some days I feel guilt. Other days I feel angry. Either way, I feel like I'm trying to run from the feelings but they just keep catching up to me.

Driving down the road, on a Sunday about a week ago while listening to Sounds of Sunday I heard the song I used for part of the words at my dad's funeral. It's all about being broken and the growth that can come from that as a result of the Atonement of Christ.

But see, I've been angry a lot. I've literally pounded on walls, slammed doors, screamed into a pillow, and used MMA workouts to try and dispel that feeling. It still comes back, though not as consistently as it did before. I haven't connected much hope or healing to my dad's death yet.

When I heard that song over the radio, I listened again to those words and thought of Father's Day with my family. I was taken back remembering my family shedding tears over that broken earth used for the burial services. I thought of the sod pieced together but broken and struggling to connect all those pieces.

This is my heart and I know the hearts of my family; broken and struggling to put the pieces back together. Our tears that fell over my dad's grave that day and so many more that have fallen and are to fall, may over time contribute to the healing and connecting of that broken sod. So, while I don't feel the connection yet and I know that it won't ever be as it was before, hopefully there will be healing in time. Hopefully the broken hearts will find a new "normal" and mend the tattered pieces.

Hopefully I can learn to better take part in the healing and enabling powers of the Atonement and Resurrection, remembering they are there.

Sunday Will Come

My thoughts are turned heavenward today.

I've been intensely focused on making plans in our lives right now; trying to make sense of the uncertainties I feel but my thoughts the last few days have kept turning to stories I hear in the lives of others. Right as I am beginning to become frustrated with those uncertainties the Lord has reminded me of a very real struggle in the life of another. He's trying to soften the heart of mine that sometimes bears stony ground.

I'm reminded lately of friends and family with much more uncertainty in jobs or moving, those dealing with a very real struggle of depression and anxiety, some living with struggles and the fear of terminal cancer, family fighting a valiant, but tiring fight against cystic fibrosis,  parents mourning the loss of a child, strangers and those I know battling infertility and more. The struggles in this life can be so very real and raw.

I've also seen great miracles  and cause for celebration happen in the lives of some I know closely, not so closely, and not at all. The miracle of adoption for a sweet family waiting many years, the birth of precious new babes into the world, vacation for some who haven't experienced one in years, and solutions to health problems coming in the lives of others.

I've wanted to envelop each and every person, struggling or celebrating, in a hope to send them one more bit of hope and love in their journey. I look at the two, those struggling and those celebrating, and don't know why some have cause to mourn or endure pain at the moment while others have cause to celebrate, but one thought comes to mind with Easter last weekend  and the words of the prophet and apostles of my church spoken in a worldwide General Conference. We each have a Savior, He is real and he is involved in the daily struggles and celebrations we experience. Each name is written on his heart, in his blood, and on the palms of his hands. He knows our struggles and our joys. He knows the each twist and turn on the path we are called to walk. He knows the way because he is the way.

I find the joining together of hearts a miracle. Sometimes hearts are joined together more deeply through struggle and sometimes through joy, but I believe the Lord joins our hearts together in an effort to show us a glimpse into the very real and personal love he feels for us.

He is forever our advocate with the Father, in joy or pain. He is fighting your cause. He is walking by your side and at times carrying you in arms that will never fail you. Sunday will come.

Be Someone Special

Who's seen Kung Fu Panda? Do you know the part where Po's father tells him there is no secret sauce to his noodle recipe? He says, "To make something special you just have to believe it's special!" Po realizes his self worth and returns to defeat Tai Lung (something he, himself, and everyone else never believed he could do).

Every single one of us has the power to do amazing things if we just believe in ourselves. Sometimes we just need a little push in the right direction and a little help to harness the power. I was this way until I found Team Beachbody and became a coach two months after starting my first program, Focus T25, and Shakeology.

Beachbody didn't just teach me how to get fit or try and sell something. That isn't what it's about. It's about helping people. Helping you to harness that power within and then use it for good to help others. It's not about losing weight. It's about gaining a healthy lifestyle and the knowledge needed to help you and your family live a long, healthy life.

Beachbody helped me start working out, eating healthy, understand nutrition and fitness, lose weight, and gain muscle! That is awesome in itself but more importantly it taught me how to believe in myself, use my time more wisely, make personal development a vital part of my day, teach and help others to live a better life in matters of physical and mental health and finances. As a result I am a better wife, mother, and friend with a confidence in myself and my abilities that I've never had before.

Now I get to show people that there is no secret sauce. The power is already within them...they just need to believe they are special! Becoming a Beachbody coach has changed my life for the better. I can't help but share something so amazing and I would not feel right if I didn't pay it forward!

It is am AMAZING feeling to be a part of something bigger than yourself...to give to others and find yourself growing and improving as well! Join my team and you can find the same thing! Fill out the application here for the opportunity to be considered for joining my coach apprenticeship program!