Broken, Tired, but Grateful

Shall we be completely honest here?

Okay, good! I'm glad we all decided on a resounding YES!

I'm writing this after my 2 year old had a huge meltdown because I took the scissors away from him. I know, I know I'm about the meanest mom alive and if you had any doubt just ask Kamden; he has first had experience!

He was hiding in my room moments earlier and if you live in our house you know that means he's taking care of some business. When he was ready to come out he quietly exclaims, "Mamma, I pooped again."

I reply, "Okay, Kamden let's lay down and change your diaper. The thing is I didn't realize until now his hands were behind his back. He can't keep his hands back there while trying to lay down so out they come and with them a pink pair of scissors, my sewing scissors. I asked him nicely, "Kamden, are you supposed to be playing with scissors?"

"No, mom." says Kamden.

I reply, "Okay, give them to mommy, please" while I reach forward to take them out of his hands. I catch them just before he tries to flail them all over the place in protest!

That was about the time I knew it was all downhill. There was no chance a diaper change would happen anymore, not with this huge meltdown in sight. I decided to play the "ignore him and it will get better" card but that insistent 2 year old had other plans. He grabs the pillows closest to him and starts chucking them in my general direction. "Okay, I can deal with pillows", I think to myself, "Bring it on, little guy...give it your best shot!"

And, it was like he could read my mind, so in that moment I was not looking he honored that challenge I extended to him and, BOOM, right on the cheek is where the edge of my full water bottle landed after it was hurled through the air by that (too smart for his own good) 2 year old of mine (right now I'm asking myself if I'm supposed to claim him as mine...). I have to remind myself that he has the most redeeming qualities!

It was like he was aiming with exact measurements of how he could produce the most sting on contact and let me tell you, he was pretty darn precise! At first, it was the maddened ("Oh, you didn't just do that...") mamma reaction but fortunately for Kamden the worst of the sting came two seconds later and then it hit me with a ton of bricks. That was my breaking point and I could no longer be mad, because instead I was broken.

All the thoughts of my day...all the thoughts of my week...of self doubt...of frustration...hit me...like a TON of bricks and I crumbled. That broken, imperfect mamma crumbled into a million pieces after she locked her bedroom door and curled up in the corner. Yes, the corner...it was the best option when the bed was full of clothes I had just spent an hour folding.

You know that motherhood thing...sometimes it's exhausting.

Today, I'm a broken, tired mamma and you know that can sound incredibly depressing in a way. Broken and tired aren't exactly encouraging words.

BUT, if I've learned only a few things in my life, it's that broken and tired usually mean your learning something. You are growing. You are being molded...shaped...into something more. I have no idea who that person is yet. I'd like to know a lot of days, but I guess not knowing quite where that journey may lead is part of the refining process, right? At least, I'm hoping there is an incredibly good reason for it.

So, I might be broken and tired, yes, there is no doubt, but at least if I'm going to be broken and tired I can do it while performing the most demanding, yet, most rewarding job I have ever embarked on. At least, I have the opportunity to do that job of grueling, hard work every day of my life. And, honestly (because we all decided on honesty, right) at least I have that to be grateful for!

A Will Not Mine

Did you know, I'm stubborn? Incredibly so, actually.

I don't like help. Actually, sometimes I really do like help but then I often refuse it because somehow I think it's important to show myself I can do it alone! That doesn't usually turn out good. And, you should ask my husband about when I'm mad, frustrated, upset, or hurt. Instead of collapsing in his open arms I insist on trying to deal with the emotions alone. Yeah, that usually doesn't turn out well either.

If someone asks how they can help I will usually tell them it's not needed. But, in the end, I'm human and I always want and appreciate the help of others...I just won't usually ask for it. Problem is that with that stubborn nature also comes an inability to see when my will is not actually the road to be traveled. If Heavenly Father wants me to actually understand that it usually takes a sledge hammer of some kind to knock me flat and build myself back up again before I'll listen. Most times I listen, eventually. But, it takes a not so subtle act of God to do so.

I've decided most often in life it's not smart for me to make concrete plans because just about the time I think I have it figured out I realize I'm wrong. Take for instance my two littles. After Nathan and I got married I was under the impression I would wait at least 2 years to have kids so we could get used to married life, living with a new person, and learn to bond with my husband. Instead, I learned that there was a will, not mine, greater than my own plans. So, after being married for not 2 years, but 6 months, I was pregnant with my Kamden Wade. With one child some days we decided we were done having kids...haha...grateful for my little boy every day...but nonetheless, motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Kamden is incredibly sweet but he's had a fire in his belly from day one! He always slept good but there were many struggles to be had after finding he inherited his mother's stubborn nature. In the movie, Emma Smith: My Story, she tells her daughter Julia that mothering her was often like trying to cuddle a child that didn't want to be held. My Kamden Wade is much like Emma's Julia in many instances. He fights those cuddles so fiercely at times but in the end when he finally surrenders he gives himself over completely.

After having Kamden, I just knew Heavenly Father would give me at least 2 years before deciding we needed to have another one. I needed to adjust to motherhood a little more. It was worth it every day, but definitely not as easy as I expected it to be. I don't think there are many days I have been a mother that I felt adequate in giving to my children what they need. However, that magic number of 2 years I had, was not meant to be and before Kamden was even a year old (almost 10 months old) we found out our Kaliana Brooklyn would be coming.

My Kaliana is just the opposite from myself and her older brother. This little girl LOVES to be snuggled and she reminds us of it often. When things become hard for this sweet girl she finds comfort and solace in openly inviting the love of another.

I've had an opportunity to experience the child who has a hard time accepting love and then one who openly invites that love in without hesitation, in my two little ones and with that I have also come to understand much about myself. You know what I've realized. I am to my Heavenly Father much like Emma's Julia was to her. I push with all my might against his will when all the time he's trying to help me. He's giving me something better than I could have imagined but in my stubborn eyes I have a hard time seeing it. If I am so busy thinking of my ruined plans it could  be so easy to miss Heavenly Father's grand design for my life.

That grand design is not what I had imagined but, it is indeed, what I need and because of that he is patient with me, his stubborn child, until I am ready and willing to surrender my will.

Motherhood has come to me through the grand design of my Heavenly Father. Most days it hasn't been what I expected but it has proven to be something so much more spiritual than I ever anticipated. I have found myself completely broken but it is interesting to note that while being a mother may leave me completely broken at times, it has been my healing balm when nothing else could make me whole. The word mother carries with it such a deeper meaning to me now than it ever could have before I was able to call myself  mom to both my Kamden Wade and my Kaliana Brooklyn. These two babies of mine have taught me of a will greater than my own, one not mine, but one that is indeed divine and so blessed.

The Legacy of Motherhood

I couldn't decide a better way to start off this new blog of mine...on one of the very subjects that inspired this blog. Although there are a few different reasons I wanted to delve into this endeavor to start a new blog, motherhood is truly the overarching reason for my finding joy in the trenches of life.

Before I became a mother I had it in my head that I would be a pretty good mother. I didn't believe I would be perfect but I didn't think it would come to define most of the trenches in my life. I love my divine calling as a mother. It is a huge part in defining who I am but I'm not as great at it as I anticipated I would be.

I've struggled with it. I've fought against it. I've been overcome by it. It is the most incredible job I have ever had the privilege of performing but it has also brought me some of my most difficult challenges in this life to date. I wrote a talk for my speaking assignment in church recently on the General Conference address by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, You Matter to Him. An excerpt I wrote says this:

"As a stay at home mom most of all my work goes on in the home and many days I feel that much if not most is unseen. It happens at night when I go to comfort a little one who had a nightmare…in the bright early hours of the morning when my 2 year old walks into my room, “saying, ‘Mommy, Up! Mommy, Up!’ and so I pull my tired body out of bed and pick him up in my arms. It happens when my 9 month old is miserable with a cold and wants to be held all day so even though I think my arms might fall off, I snuggle that little one close to try and ease her pain. It is in the trenches of a bad day when the 9 month old grabs her older brother’s bowl of cottage cheese and spills it all over the carpet but instead of following my instinct to be frustrated and get mad I was able to practice patience and speak words of kindness. It might be when my 2 year old has an epic meltdown of sorts and instead of melting down myself I chose to pick him up and snuggle him close...We all do many acts each day which are unseen and unimportant to the eyes of the world but they are never unseen in God’s eyes."

Many, and dare I say most, of the things you do as a mother will be unseen in many ways but I think it would be well for us to remember that none of these vitally important things, which seem so menial in nature at times, are yet always seen and noted by the Father of our Spirits.

I owe a great deal of thanks to the mothers in my life. My own mother is one of the very kindest of souls. She has a giving heart and an incredible ability to love others, no matter their circumstance in life. She has spent her days of life in the service of those around her and most especially her family. I have learned from her example that if you have a prompting you don't think about it, you just act on it. 

I also owe thanks to my mother-in-law. She has been a light in my life since I have known her and she helped my husband to become the kind man that he is. I have learned a great deal of the gift of healing and of feeling from her, which has become a huge blessing in my life. She also spends her days in the service of others and i am grateful for that example.

My hope and my prayer is for truly finding joy in the trenches of motherhood. It is to take the example of those gone before me and to trust that I am indeed called to be the one specific mother to my own precious children and that I am capable to teach and lead them through life, despite my weaknesses. I hold dear the mother hearts that surround me in life. These include family, friends, sisters, and all those women in my life that I hold dear whether you have your own children on this Earth or not. I truly believe every woman has a mother heart and I am grateful for each one of those tender, loving women as my examples.

I will revel and find joy in the moments where a 2 year old, Kamden Wade chooses to share his cheerios with mommy, daddy, and little sister. Maybe it will be when a sweet 1 year old, Kaliana snuggles her head over my shoulder holding me close. It is in those little moments that I find joy in the trenches of a divine, but difficult, calling of motherhood.