My Journey to Finding Joy in the Trenches

In October of last year I decided to make a change. I was really struggling. I was unhappy, tired all the time, and still struggling with depression after having my little Kaliana Brooklyn. I needed something to work towards. I LOVE being a mother but I needed something for me. At first mention I thought I was being selfish. However, I realized quickly that taking care of myself would seriously change the whole dynamic of our home and my efforts in motherhood.

I started living a new healthy lifestyle that consisted of good nutrition and regular exercise. It became my outlet of sorts and a way to be proud of myself. I was accomplishing something great which I wasn't sure I could do. I was scared I would fall flat on my face but honestly, I'm pretty sure I had already fallen flat on my face so what could it hurt?

I lost about 20 lbs. and around 18 inches overall in the span of about 4-5 months by working out 25-30 minutes a day, drinking Shakeology, and eating clean so I decided to start running online fitness challenge groups. These are what helped me stay on track and keep working towards my goal even when it got hard. I was accountable and I had support from others working towards similar goals. I started Fitness Empowered on Facebook and shortly after on Instagram to help inspire others to realize their own potential and to find a place of empowerment. I truly found that there could be joy, even when we were deep in the trenches of a long, hard day.

Finding joy in those trenches inspired me to share even more. Fitness was a huge part of finding my joy but it also came through my faith, my family, and my divine calling in life as a mother. I wanted to share it all and well, that brought me to this spot. I worked on the idea of a blog for a couple months until this little blog of mine, Finding Joy in the Trenches, came to fruition. This is my place to share it all and help inspire others to start finding joy in their own trenches.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to share with so many through blogging, Facebook, and Instagram. Social Media can be a tool used for great good! So, in an effort to keep everything consistent all across the board Fitness Empowered on both Facebook and Instagram will now become part of this journey to Finding Joy in the Trenches. I founded Team Fitness Empowered in an effort to help others on their own journey to better health and there will be no changes to that team. It will remain that way and if you want to learn more about my team and how you can join it as a customer or a coach please comment or email me at bensshar@gmail.com.

I have found that the most important callings in my life are also those that require sometimes a great deal of time spent in the trenches and they are not separate in my life but they all run together and without one I would not be the same person. Please join me in the journey to Finding Joy in the Trenches of Faith, Family, Fitness, and Motherhood.

You can find me on Facebook at:

https://www.facebook.com/joyinthetrenches?ref_type=bookmark

I am also on Instagram at:

 http://instagram.com/joyinthetrenches

I honestly pour my heart and soul into this and I would feel honored to have you be a part of it! Please come follow me and share your stories with me as well at bensshar@gmail.com. I am truly inspired by all of your stories and I would love to share them with others alike.

Carry on. Find joy in the trenches!

A Father's Day Lesson

When most people meet my little guy for the first time one of their first questions is, "Is he always like this?" referring to his energy level. My response is always the same, "Yep!"

Going to church is an interesting experience for us each week. You see, Kamden LOVES nursery but Sacrament meeting isn't so easy. We usually end up taking him out of Sacrament at least twice a meeting (some days I wonder why we even try to go in the chapel in the first place) and putting him in time out to talk to him about reverence and respect. This usually involves screaming, tears, and unfortunately, hitting on his part. On our part it often involves, lots of prayer and pleading for patience, waiting, frustration, and yes, often times tears. 

Kamden is a character all on his own, tough as nails, full of an exuberant amount of energy, a stubborn will of his own, and a really hard negotiator. Before becoming a mother I used to think that it just took some good stern talking to and showing him there was no negotiation; but now I am a mother to Kamden and my life is full of trying to negotiate, stern talking to, and absolutely no deal between the two of us. 

Sacrament meeting happened this way today...on Father's Day. He was out of the chapel in time out more than he wasn't and Neither Nathan, Kamden, or myself made it out of Sacrament meeting today without tears. Thank Heavens he is in love with nursery and we have AMAZING nursery leaders. We made it through the next two hours of church until it was time to pick up Kamden from nursery. Now, picking Kamden up from nursery is like trying to pry an angry badger out of his burrow (in the words of his father). 

Today, I just decided to go straight into the nursery room instead of picking him up at the gate that is usually set up, and the second he saw me he ran. He hid in the cupboard (his burrow) with the car he was not going to give up. Without ease I pried him from his burrow. The problem is now I have to pry the car away. There was flailing and no negotiation happening here. I kneel on the ground ( in complete frustration and embarrassment with my skills as a mother) as he slumps down to the floor and refuses to let me pick him up. There was no holding back the tears, and again they came, for about the third time in the past 3 hours. 

Finally, tears coming from my eyes gave him the reasoning needed to let me pick him up. I walk out with his sweaty body in my arms and make it to his dad just in time for him to throw another fit. To give you an idea of how hard he runs each day during Nursery I pick him up with his hair completely soaked each week as if I just pulled him from the swimming pool. Another sister in the ward asked me as I walked his sweaty body out of the nursery room if they were running a sweat shop in there. "He looks like he just ran a marathon!" she said to which I replied, "He runs a marathon every day!" He never stops and he loves to run.

By the time we got home and got him in the house we finally put him straight to bed after trying and failing once again to communicate with that stubborn 2 year old. With him in bed, both Nathan and myself, end up slumping down on the couch, once again in tears. As we talk, the patient, understanding husband and father of this household pulls me up and tells me to come with him. We went into our bedroom where that little boy was laying and laid our tired bodies next to his. While laying there and trying to understand how to get through to this little guy I heard a voice in my head saying, "Just love him." 

My sweet husband, the father of that sweet boy, taught me a valuable lesson today. At the point which I felt all hope was lost and I was praying for a divine answer I got the one I wasn't expecting, a simple, "love him."  How I am grateful for that husband of mine and his wisdom.

Happy Father's Day to you, Nathan. Thank you for constantly being an answer to my prayers.

I had no doubt in my mind when marrying that man that he would be a one of a kind father, one I would be proud to raise children with and he proved that to me again today. He made it possible for me to hear the whispering of the Spirit answering my question with the words of my Father in Heaven and the Heavenly Father of that little boy to do just what a parent is supposed to do.

It won't be easy but we will keep taking that little boy to church each week and no matter how hard it is we will love him. I have no doubt there will be more tears and frustration and I'm sure I have a lot to learn in how to be a parent but I'm trying, we're trying. And, no matter how much I want that easy answer I have a feeling that deep down I know that's not what is meant to be. We love him regardless.

Fighting our Silent Battles

As a mother I can't tell you how many times I've woken up in the middle of the night to the cries of one of my babies and I can't find any specific reason why they are crying but it is more than aware through their cries that they are in some kind of pain, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional. Part of the unspoken job of a mother is to comfort our children, to ease their pain and when we can't do that  we feel a pain (I would venture to say at times) as intense as our dear child's.

As my companion and I were Visiting Teaching (a calling to minister to individual sisters in my church) a sister in my ward we learned that her daughter in law had been diagnosed with brain cancer, which was found to be inoperable. While discussing her thoughts and feelings she told us of how it was much more difficult to see her children go through the struggles of life and learn those lessons than it was to experience them herself.

We spoke of seeking the comfort and aid of the Lord in our times of struggle. We spoke of the Lord's hand reaching for ours always and how we also must reach in order to receive the help he so eagerly wants to provide us with.

The most challenging battles we fight in life are fought in silence. Those around us can not know of our pain. These silent battles, whether they are those of a child crying out in the middle of the night, or those of the child's mother, aching for the ability to ease the pain of that innocent child in her arms, are difficult but essential. In The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupery it says, "It's only with the heart that one can see rightly. What's essential is invisible to the eye."

It is true in our lives that the lessons to be learned in life are only seen with the heart. They are invisible to the eye and therefore the silent struggle used to lead us there can only be seen and experienced in the throes of the heart. It is also true that the only healing balm adequate for these struggles comes through our Savior, Jesus Christ who took those silent battles upon himself one by one.

My Road to Health and Fitness

Health and fitness have not always been a highlight of my lifestyle. I grew up with a low self image and I worried about being "skinny" constantly. I wanted to be accepted and I believed that in order for that to happen I needed to look a certain way. Through high school and college I obsessed about it and I did just about every thing you can think of to try and lose weight, get skinny, and reach that ideal body type to be accepted.

Fast forward to 4 years ago when I might an amazing guy who changed my life. He is now my husband and I couldn't be luckier. I learned a lot from his view of who I was and I started to accept my body. I had my son, Kamden Wade, 15 months after being married to that wonderful man. Although this was a highlight of my life, shortly after I struggled with postpartum depression and the realization that my body was very different and that it wasn't going to return to a normal state overnight.

The postpartum depression slowly faded and I was able to lose a good deal of my baby weight. When Kamden was short of a year old we found out I was pregnant with our little girl, Kaliana Brooklyn. I was exercising at a local gym 4-5 days a week throughout most of my pregnancy but I still gained more weight than I would have liked. I was a little more prepared this time around that I might deal with the postpartum depression but that doesn't make it any easier when it does creep into your life.

I was exhausted, depressed, and unhappy. I wasn't sleeping well even though my sweet baby girl was...I struggled with the postpartum depression...I had no energy...and I just didn't feel good. 

In October of 2013 I decided to start something for myself. I found an escape through health and fitness. I started eating clean, drinking Shakeology, working out with Beachbody programs, and participating in an online fitness challenge group.  The next 4 months I lost close to 15 lbs. and over 18 inches on my body. I became an energetic person...I slept like a baby...I found confidence in myself and my abilities...and my depression faded much more quickly as I began to take care of myself.

Transformation from October 2013 to February 2014

In December 2013 I became a Beachbody coach so that I could run my own online fitness challenge groups to help inspire others and help them find a confidence and belief in their bodies. I love having the opportunity to run these group and share with others the amazing products that helped me change my life. 

Broken, Tired, but Grateful

Shall we be completely honest here?

Okay, good! I'm glad we all decided on a resounding YES!

I'm writing this after my 2 year old had a huge meltdown because I took the scissors away from him. I know, I know I'm about the meanest mom alive and if you had any doubt just ask Kamden; he has first had experience!

He was hiding in my room moments earlier and if you live in our house you know that means he's taking care of some business. When he was ready to come out he quietly exclaims, "Mamma, I pooped again."

I reply, "Okay, Kamden let's lay down and change your diaper. The thing is I didn't realize until now his hands were behind his back. He can't keep his hands back there while trying to lay down so out they come and with them a pink pair of scissors, my sewing scissors. I asked him nicely, "Kamden, are you supposed to be playing with scissors?"

"No, mom." says Kamden.

I reply, "Okay, give them to mommy, please" while I reach forward to take them out of his hands. I catch them just before he tries to flail them all over the place in protest!

That was about the time I knew it was all downhill. There was no chance a diaper change would happen anymore, not with this huge meltdown in sight. I decided to play the "ignore him and it will get better" card but that insistent 2 year old had other plans. He grabs the pillows closest to him and starts chucking them in my general direction. "Okay, I can deal with pillows", I think to myself, "Bring it on, little guy...give it your best shot!"

And, it was like he could read my mind, so in that moment I was not looking he honored that challenge I extended to him and, BOOM, right on the cheek is where the edge of my full water bottle landed after it was hurled through the air by that (too smart for his own good) 2 year old of mine (right now I'm asking myself if I'm supposed to claim him as mine...). I have to remind myself that he has the most redeeming qualities!

It was like he was aiming with exact measurements of how he could produce the most sting on contact and let me tell you, he was pretty darn precise! At first, it was the maddened ("Oh, you didn't just do that...") mamma reaction but fortunately for Kamden the worst of the sting came two seconds later and then it hit me with a ton of bricks. That was my breaking point and I could no longer be mad, because instead I was broken.

All the thoughts of my day...all the thoughts of my week...of self doubt...of frustration...hit me...like a TON of bricks and I crumbled. That broken, imperfect mamma crumbled into a million pieces after she locked her bedroom door and curled up in the corner. Yes, the corner...it was the best option when the bed was full of clothes I had just spent an hour folding.

You know that motherhood thing...sometimes it's exhausting.

Today, I'm a broken, tired mamma and you know that can sound incredibly depressing in a way. Broken and tired aren't exactly encouraging words.

BUT, if I've learned only a few things in my life, it's that broken and tired usually mean your learning something. You are growing. You are being molded...shaped...into something more. I have no idea who that person is yet. I'd like to know a lot of days, but I guess not knowing quite where that journey may lead is part of the refining process, right? At least, I'm hoping there is an incredibly good reason for it.

So, I might be broken and tired, yes, there is no doubt, but at least if I'm going to be broken and tired I can do it while performing the most demanding, yet, most rewarding job I have ever embarked on. At least, I have the opportunity to do that job of grueling, hard work every day of my life. And, honestly (because we all decided on honesty, right) at least I have that to be grateful for!