The Courage in Today

I heard a voice tell me to start writing again. I'm writing.

My word for the year of 2022 is courage. I've felt drawn to that word since deciding to focus on one thing, one word for the year and letting things go from there. I couldn't set empty resolutions, knowing that while I wanted to do those things desperately, the feeling of failure that would creep in could bring me down in an instant. 

My resolution for the year is courage. I'm striving for the courage to hold on, to move forward, to let go, and to simply let things be. 

I'm holding onto hope that things get better, things get easier, or that my capacity to do it somehow improves. I'm looking for the courage to move forward each day, even if it means taking one step forward after I took ten steps backward earlier in the day. I'm learning that courage also means letting go of what I wanted my life to be by now or who I wanted myself to become. I'm letting go of expectations that aren't serving me and learning that the courage I am able to muster that day has nothing to do with the ability of my friend and neighbor to do more than I did that day. I'm learning the courage that comes in not comparing myself to others. I will exercise the courage to simply be me.

Courage to me today is in knowing I had the courage not to run away when things got hard. I stayed. I walked back in that door at the end of the day with my four kids, knowing full well I would walk into a house that did not magically clean itself, dishes that did not magically disappear, two dogs that more than likely pulled something, if not many things, out of the garbage, and so much cleaning or laundry. I walked in the door knowing that I would have to remind my kids over and over to brush their teeth, get into bed, stop pestering their brother or sister, stop getting out of bed begging for more to eat or drink, and that I would be begging them to go to sleep. I walked in the door!

I listened to the voice and I'm writing tonight. That is courage. I'm letting go of the knowledge that what I write isn't perfect. It doesn't have to be. I listened, and that is courage. 

Today, courage is in working on the understanding that it won't always be like this and that it's okay that it is right now. It's okay that my house is not clean, my dishes are not done, and we did not go the extra mile in chores. It's okay that I did not do big things today. It's okay that I simply made it through.

I am home. My kids are home. My husband will be home. We will sleep and we will exercise the courage that needs to be exercised tomorrow. I will try. I will have courage. I will be brave. And, it's okay if that doesn't look like another person's best, or even just their good. It is mine and mine does not need to be just as theirs. 

Broken

It's been awhile. I haven't wanted to write. It's hard to explain.

A part of me feels so guilty for not moving on or letting go or getting over the grief. I still feel so stuck in denial and in a playback of emotions and feelings. I feel bad for not being a happy person at times that I probably should.

I can be so productive in a day and by that afternoon I'd rather hide away and sleep to push away emotion. Some days I just feel sad and I don't want to change it. Some days I feel guilt. Other days I feel angry. Either way, I feel like I'm trying to run from the feelings but they just keep catching up to me.

Driving down the road, on a Sunday about a week ago while listening to Sounds of Sunday I heard the song I used for part of the words at my dad's funeral. It's all about being broken and the growth that can come from that as a result of the Atonement of Christ.

But see, I've been angry a lot. I've literally pounded on walls, slammed doors, screamed into a pillow, and used MMA workouts to try and dispel that feeling. It still comes back, though not as consistently as it did before. I haven't connected much hope or healing to my dad's death yet.

When I heard that song over the radio, I listened again to those words and thought of Father's Day with my family. I was taken back remembering my family shedding tears over that broken earth used for the burial services. I thought of the sod pieced together but broken and struggling to connect all those pieces.

This is my heart and I know the hearts of my family; broken and struggling to put the pieces back together. Our tears that fell over my dad's grave that day and so many more that have fallen and are to fall, may over time contribute to the healing and connecting of that broken sod. So, while I don't feel the connection yet and I know that it won't ever be as it was before, hopefully there will be healing in time. Hopefully the broken hearts will find a new "normal" and mend the tattered pieces.

Hopefully I can learn to better take part in the healing and enabling powers of the Atonement and Resurrection, remembering they are there.

Denial and Grief

It's been over three weeks since the accident. My dad died in an accident while driving. We don't know why it happened. We are only sure that through the path his truck traveled that he more than likely wasn't conscious through the worst part of it.

A couple days after it happened, three weeks ago, I stopped at the scene on my way home from the accident. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done but I needed to be in the place he was last. Nathan and I sat down on the side of the road and cried together, we picked up some of his coins that were left there, sat in silence, and tried to wrap our minds around what happened.

I haven't driven by that exit since then. I have traveled through Downey where his truck was towed after the accident. I have traveled back and forth through there about six times and his truck was there every time. Most of the time I would stop for a few minutes and just think about my dad, how much he loved his truck, and how the tangled up metal couldn't possibly be his.

Today I drove to Blackfoot after about a week and a half. His truck was gone. It may have been harder to drive past and not see it there. Those things pull me out of denial for awhile, knowing that things will continue to change and life will still move on without him here. A part of me has been stuck back on Sunday, the night before the accident when we were all together as a family, and Monday afternoon when Nathan came home from work to tell me what happened. I haven't moved too far past that week of being together and ending with his funeral.

I know the answers that he is in a better place, he's no longer limited by pain, and he's looking down on us but the pain will still come. It will still sting when I think about life without him still physically here, not able to hear his voice, or hold his hand before I walk out the door, saying goodbye. There will still be nights that the tears fall heavily from my eyes, and days where I watch my mom hurt for her husband to be back holding her again.

Life together on this Earth is a blessed thing. It is a miracle to know all that was created and organized for us to be here together. But, it hurts to know we leave it not together the majority of the time. It is said we are apart only for a short time...yet for us left here it seems to feel much longer.

"Grief, I've learned is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."   -Jamie Anderson

Dad

My dad is gone from this Earth. I no longer have his tangible presence. The rest of his presence is hard to feel right now through the pain, the hurt, the anger, the sadness.

Writing is one of the only ways I feel like I can adequately express feelings so they are no longer stuck in my head. I still don't feel like I know how to write about my dad being gone. I still want him to come back.

My mom asked the kids to share some memories for the funeral. These are the ones I felt I could fit into five minutes. There are so many more and so many I wish we could still make. Until more can be made I will strive to remember all I can.

Memories

I put off compiling this until last night. I didn't know how or what to share. On Tuesday driving back here from Logan I prayed silently for a long time that my Heavenly Father would help me remember and recall the memories.

I just remember him being my dad. I remember hearing the story of him sitting watch outside my hospital door to ensure my mother and I were able to rest when finally getting to sleep after surgery to remove a tumor in my spinal column. He would NOT let the nurses come through that door when his girls were trying to rest. They had to go through him first!

I remember him reminding me constantly, "Daddy loves you." His long distance hugs over the phone which I got plenty of being the long distance kid for the last 10 years. Our phone conversations ended with these so very often that he would tell me to take my left hand and put it on my right shoulder, my right hand and put it on my left shoulder and squeeze. "That's daddy giving you a hug."

I remember every time I walked out the door of the house, his chair sits right by that front door, and he would almost always no matter if we hugged already, stick his hand out and grab mine to squeeze before leaving. I remember sitting on his lap, even with his 30 year old daughter, he'd pull me in tight with my head on his shoulder and tell me that he was proud of me, Nathan, and all three of our little ones.

My dad would give anything to anybody but some things were harder for him to part with, like his hat. He didn't let many people handle certain hats but once he had grandkids all his hats became fair game. I know Nathan and Kamden have a number of hats given to them from dad, including a nice brown cowboy hat to Kamden like the one sitting with my dad here today. My mouth hung open a little bit the day my dad handed that hat over to his grandson without hesitation.

I remember him telling me countless times as a teenager in his serious voice, "Don't you roll your eyes at me!" I remember watching the 5-8 minute train video called "Give it Your Best" that I have no idea where he found, every morning before school for months. We sighed every morning he'd pull us into his room, sit us on his bed and push play to that VHS. I think we all expected it to last for a week or so but instead it last for at least a month if not longer! Every morning! We sang "Love is Spoken Here" often in our house, but very begrudgingly, when my dad caught us fighting.

I remember strict curfews, guns being talked about when we went out on dates, and strict questions of approval to an incoming son-in-law. I remember seeing my sleeping babies on his lap, huge bear hugs, and kisses to those babies, and his face light up when they walked in the door. I remember him being scared to hold his brand new grandbabies, worrying about being so very gentle with those hands of his.

I remember his hands. In 2012 on my family blog I wrote about these hands.

"My dad is not a small man, and neither are his hands. Although, he does not have lengthy fingers or hands, they are solid and if you've ever met the man, you have probably met his strong handshake as well. He's not afraid to use those hands for all jobs, rough and tough. However, I know of many times he has used those hands to smooth back some hair from his daughters face or to cradle his grandchildren.

These hands, of my father's have not seen the likes of lotion too many times but we couldn't count how many times they have been covered in grease or dirt. The roughness in his hands tell of many trials, small and great that have been fought head on, while those small smooth spots tell of humility in times that he pulled himself up, always working harder and harder."

My dad taught me to Never give up. When I was thinking of what I felt portrayed the life of my dad, and what he would want me to remember, I thought of one of my favorite songs called, "Broken" by Kenneth Cope.

The song reads:

Broken clouds give rain
Broken soil grows grain
Broken bread feeds man for one more day

Broken storms yield light
The break of day heads night
Broken pride turns blindness into sight

Broken souls that need His mending
Broken hearts an offering
Could it be that God loves broken things..?

Broken chains set free
Broken swords bring peace
Broken walls make friends of you and me

To break the ranks of sin
To break the news of Him
To put on Christ til His name feels broken in

Broken souls in need of mending
Broken hearts an offering
I believe that God loves broken things

But, oh, our broken faith
Our broken promises
Sent love to the cross...

But still that broken flesh
That broken heart of His
Offers us such grace and mercy
Covers us with love undeserving

My broken soul that cries for mending
My broken heart an offering
I'm convinced that God loves broken me...

Praise His name, our God loves broken things.


My dad had plenty of "broken" moments in life. He was broken down and built back up a number of times but he never gave up. He learned to partake of a perfect Atonement from his Savior every day of his life and he used the brokenness to improve. No matter the challenges he didn't give in. He learned to hold strong and keep going.

This is my dad and so much more. He was mine and that is a tender mercy I was blessed with greatly. Thanks daddy. I look forward to the day I will sit on your lap again and feel you squeeze me tight. You always told me, "Daddy loves you."

I love you too.

Running Away

Yesterday, Kamden (fed up with my parenting) sat at the front door with a sweater on and a backpack on his back telling me he was going to run away.

This, oh so cute, boy had been stuck in his room for about 30 minutes at the time  because he refused to clean his room. It was "too much" for him! So, because I insisted he stay there until his room was clean, the only logical way out was running away. (I don't blame him completely...sometimes I want to run away from dishes, laundry, or cleaning the bathrooms).

Eventually I convinced him he needed to eat lunch first so he had the energy to get to where he wanted to go. During lunch we talked and this is what happened!

Eventually, after all this he finally decided to clean his room and earn a quarter. Unfortunately, that quarter was not enough to buy a tent so he decided he would run away without a tent. Luckily, we were having pizza and cookies for dinner and he decided to stay for a while! 

My First and My Last

We just celebrated the birthdays of my first and my last babes! I have a 5 year old, people. We've kept him alive for 5 years! And, my baby she is a whole year old.

We had a pizza and popcorn party with some friends on Kamden's birthday and on Saturday we had a party with family! They got spoiled like crazy!

And, well I love those two.

They have made me a new person since I became a mother.

Kalani Elizabeth

Life has been so crazy I haven't sat down to write down the birth story of our third sweet child, Kalani Elizabeth.. Hopefully I can remember most of the details and Nathan can help fill in what I might miss.

Nathan and I had been in the process of looking for both a house and a job for quite some time as we knew Nathan's job was coming to a close. When he left Maryland for Idaho in June we started looking very hard. Nothing was happening and it was probably some of the hardest months in our lives, patience wise. We really learned to be patient with the Lord's timing. It was not easy and there was a lot of uncertainty with a new baby coming but it happened as it needed to, I am sure.
I was driving about 1 hour and 45 minutes every time I had a midwife appointment and I knew that there was a potential I could have this baby before my due date as I had with both my others. My one desire was that I be in my own house before I had this baby.

We ended up going back and forth between buying or not buying a duplex attached to Nathan's brother's that was being sold. The downside was it needed A LOT of work. Neither the inside or outside of the house had been taken care of and we knew that pretty much everything in this house would have to be touched with a deep clean, paint, and even new flooring in part of it. It turned out to be even more of a job than we anticipated but that story is for another day and another write up. Yet, somehow we were supposed to be here. I am not sure of all those reasons yet.

Well, everything happened at once. Nathan got a job and we finalized plans on a house in about two weeks. Ironically, Nathan's first day of work and our move in date were the same day. While Nathan went off to work I hauled myself, my big belly, and my two other kiddos to get our new house keys and switch utilities into our name.

I unlocked the door and walked into our new house a bit before Nathan was to get off work. I knew it wouldn't be a welcoming sight already but walking in to the house in the state of pregnancy I was with two kiddos when my husband started a new job was overwhelming. I sat down on the dirty living room carpet with my back against the wall and cried. I could not see an end in sight and the thought that I could have this baby any day with the place we were living in the state it was became too much for my mind to handle.

We knew we didn't have a lot of time to sulk so we got to work as soon as we could and started getting things ready to clean. We moved cleaning supplies and beds in and got to work. Little did I know that two nights later my water would break and I would go into labor. :-)

On Wednesday, September 9th I work up for the day with energy, much more than I had the previous day and figured I would use it to try and get down what I could. Once I got the kids organized and entertained I cleaned that morning and after Grandma Benson came to help I took off for a while to get some much needed groceries and home supplies. When Nathan got home that afternoon we did inventory of the house and everything we needed to get at our huge Lowe's trip to get this house into shape. Shortly after, around 3:30 p.m. we took off to look at new appliances for the house. We had none. We spent a few hours looking at appliances at two different stores and on our way to Lowe's Nathan wanted to stop and see a friend. We stopped for a minute, joked about going into labor, and afterwards we were off to Lowe's where we spent our evening.

I'm sure I was quite the site waddling around that store. We were hauling two carts chuck full and we had an open push cart full of paint up front. I don't remember how many people asked me about my due date. I know a couple people who saw us an hour or two after helping us would walk by and comment, "You're still here? What can we do to help?" One sweet lady was so concerned about me and made sure to help us find the last few things we needed so we could get out the door and offering me a chair at checkout. It took us about 30-45 minutes just to check out and then we were on our way.

I remember joking with Nathan back and forth about going into labor after walking around Lowe's for so long. He told me multiple times that day that I was not allowed to have a baby right now. Tough luck.

We arrived back to our house that night just after 10:00 p.m. Shortly after walking in the door I told Nathan and his parents that I was going to lay down for a bit in the bed as I was very tired and sore. I got comfortable and about 5-10 minutes after doing so I felt the familiar pop that I had with my first baby. My water broke and I knew then that I would have a baby in the next 12 hours or so.
Shortly after I texted my midwives to let them know. They told me to let them know when contractions were close enough together. My contractions started very shortly after my water broke and seemed to progress pretty quickly. They were not really strong but were coming pretty often by about 11:00 p.m. so my midwives told me to go ahead and come into the birth center to be safe. We packed up our bags and headed off to the birth center.

I spent the next couple hours walking around the birth center. When the contractions started getting more intense and the bath was full I went ahead and got into the birthing tub to help with the edge of pain. It was heaven. I loved being able to labor in the water and did for quite some time, eventually turning on my Hypnobabies track to try and really relax a bit.

At one point myself, my husband, my mother, my mother-in-law, and my midwives all caught a little nap. I am still so grateful for that little nap to recharge after what was an incredibly long day and looking forward to a long night and morning. After napping for a bit I decided to get out of the water and walk around a bit to get things moving again. My midwife, Amuri checked on Kalani and as anticipated she was still hanging out on my right side, not the ideal place for birthing. Usually babies tend to move over to the left side to prepare for birth as it is easier for birthing. After realizing she wasn't moving as we wanted, my midwife asked me to lay down on my left side to give gravity a try. I lied in bed for quite a while, however kept asking if I could get back into the tub as my birthing waves were getting more intense. We warned the water back up and I got into the tub for my last leg of labor.

I labored in the tub again for a while and as my birthing wives got more intense time ticked on. Both of my previous labors were about 9 hours and when I got to that 9 hour mark I started getting pretty discouraged. The contractions were intense but I did not feel the urge to push. I wanted to have that baby but it just wasn't happening like we wanted. I consented to having my midwives check my dilation. At this point I was at a 9. I didn't want to break my other bag of waters so I passed on that and continued to labor in the tub.

About an hour later I knew things still were not progressing as anticipated so I decided to go ahead and have my other bag of waters broken. Discussing this with my midwives we were all pretty confident that Kalani would come shortly after, as I was hoping. Birthing waves got very intense just as I knew they would after breaking my water but the urge to push didn't come. I was getting very discouraged, tired, and beyond ready to have my sweet girl at this point. I kept a constant prayer in my mind for my Savior to lift me up and help me to finish the birthing process.

I was fully submissive at that point. I had visualized a very specific birth in my mind for much of my pregnancy and at this point I knew that it wasn't going to happen as I wanted. I had to submit and realize that what I wanted was not necessarily the way this baby needed to be birthed and that was okay.

My midwife checked me again to see if there was something going on that was stopping progression at that point and we realized that Kalani was trying to come out face first. She had hyper-extended her neck so that she was not able to move through smoothly. Danielle worked on trying to coax Kalani to move her head back in place for a little while. I labored again for a little bit when Danielle had what I believe in my heart was a prompting from the Spirit to get me out of the water and in a different position.

Part of my visualization of birthing, was having a gentle water birth but I knew that I needed to be willing to let go of that. I changed positions as asked to a sitting position and almost immediately the urge to push came. I sat for a couple minutes at which point my midwives asked if I would like to get back in the tub to which I promptly responded I didn't. Haha. I was ready and not moving! I did move to my hands and knees right before and after 3 minutes of pushing, our sweet Kalani Elizabeth finally joined us.

I knew it would take me some time to really internalize all my feeling from the birthing experience. It turned out completely different than what I had visualized. I wasn't immediately okay with that. I desired for different things with this birth and not all of them came. But, one of my midwives said something. She said she was sorry I was not able to have the water birth I wanted but that it just wasn't quite what my baby needed. Kalani needed something a little different than what I wanted. Isn't it true in much of life though that about the third watch, the last hour, is when we realize what we want might not be what we need..

I know though, without a doubt, that I was where I needed to be and had chosen the right care providers for this birth. Being able to be in the birth suite setting with my calm, collected, and capable midwives kept me calm. I was able to do what I needed to do in a relaxed, comfortable setting and birthing my baby girl naturally helped me to be in tune and knowledgeable to what needed to happen.

Becoming a mother has been the most humbling and spiritual experience I have ever had. Each time I go through the birthing experience I learn new things about myself, my capabilities, my body, and my Savior. I can't tell you how many times I prayed during those hours of labor, especially at the end; and I know that I was made more, I was strengthened, and I was carried during my birth experience through my Savior's atonement.

There is such a sweetness in knowing the miracle of motherhood in all it's ways. So sweet.

Sunday Will Come

My thoughts are turned heavenward today.

I've been intensely focused on making plans in our lives right now; trying to make sense of the uncertainties I feel but my thoughts the last few days have kept turning to stories I hear in the lives of others. Right as I am beginning to become frustrated with those uncertainties the Lord has reminded me of a very real struggle in the life of another. He's trying to soften the heart of mine that sometimes bears stony ground.

I'm reminded lately of friends and family with much more uncertainty in jobs or moving, those dealing with a very real struggle of depression and anxiety, some living with struggles and the fear of terminal cancer, family fighting a valiant, but tiring fight against cystic fibrosis,  parents mourning the loss of a child, strangers and those I know battling infertility and more. The struggles in this life can be so very real and raw.

I've also seen great miracles  and cause for celebration happen in the lives of some I know closely, not so closely, and not at all. The miracle of adoption for a sweet family waiting many years, the birth of precious new babes into the world, vacation for some who haven't experienced one in years, and solutions to health problems coming in the lives of others.

I've wanted to envelop each and every person, struggling or celebrating, in a hope to send them one more bit of hope and love in their journey. I look at the two, those struggling and those celebrating, and don't know why some have cause to mourn or endure pain at the moment while others have cause to celebrate, but one thought comes to mind with Easter last weekend  and the words of the prophet and apostles of my church spoken in a worldwide General Conference. We each have a Savior, He is real and he is involved in the daily struggles and celebrations we experience. Each name is written on his heart, in his blood, and on the palms of his hands. He knows our struggles and our joys. He knows the each twist and turn on the path we are called to walk. He knows the way because he is the way.

I find the joining together of hearts a miracle. Sometimes hearts are joined together more deeply through struggle and sometimes through joy, but I believe the Lord joins our hearts together in an effort to show us a glimpse into the very real and personal love he feels for us.

He is forever our advocate with the Father, in joy or pain. He is fighting your cause. He is walking by your side and at times carrying you in arms that will never fail you. Sunday will come.

Uncertain Adventures

We are blessed to have a lot of adventure in our life right now...uncertain adventure but adventure nonetheless.

You know I think that's what life is though...one uncertain adventure! One beautiful, uncertain adventure!

We found out in January that we are adding another little one to the Benson bunch! We will be a family of five! I'm not planning on it but I hope I can stay caught up to three little ones come September!

We were in Florida when we found out, where we were for about four months to see Nathan's hard work for the last four year be shot into space! The NASA MMS Spacecraft that Nathan has worked on launched on March 12th and he was able to be finish work on it and see it launch into space to fulfill it's mission!

We are back in Maryland for just a few weeks, after which his contract will end. The plan was to have a job lined up in Utah already and be heading off onto a much more certain adventure. However, that isn't our reality. We have no job lined up and we are living on a prayer that Heavenly Father will help us find our way that aligns with his plan in this uncertain adventure of life!

I've spent a lot of time being frustrated that my plans have not come to fruition. I've had a lot of hopes for our new journey that haven't happened or I know now aren't going to happen. There has been some disappointment felt, tears cried, and learning to let go. The journey isn't happening how I planned for it. I'm not getting exactly what I want. There are lots of things I want that I see others have. I want my own beautiful home, land to have a little farm on, for my husband and I to be done with school, and some other things. I've spent time playing the game of comparison and growing disappointment, robbing myself of the joy in the trenches. "Comparison is the thief of joy" but it's just not worth it. Joy does not come in gaining what others have. "Joy is not in things, it is in us!"

There is joy to be found in the trenches of this uncertain adventure. My journey is my own and it's time to find joy in that journey. I will work towards my goals and dreams on the path that Heavenly Father places in front of me. There will be joy and I am meant to experience that if I let myself.

I believe our natural state is joy! Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. That doesn't mean it's always going to be right in front of us. Sometimes we will have to look for it to find it but there is joy even in the darkest of days.

Find joy in the trenches.

Not My Will

I guess I'll try this whole blogging thing again...at least while I feel like it! ;-)

But really, I guess I need to write a few things out...make sense of it all...organize my thoughts...and explain a few things. What better place, right!?! Haha...you don't have to agree with that BUT you can if you want to!

I'm constantly being shaped, changed, molded into something I'm not yet but hope to be. I have plenty of ideas in my head of what life should be like, what I should be doing, and even what would make me happy but those things don't usually seem to be the answer. Sometimes the answer comes softly, sometimes I have to be hit over the head with what seems like a literal hammer, and sometimes Heavenly Father is patient with me but nudging me for quite a while before I finally surrender my will.

I'm stubborn and when I get an idea in my head it's HARD to get it out. I don't like to fail and yet I'm learning that is exactly what life is about, FAILURE, over and over again until some day we are okay with understanding that we are imperfect and our plans aren't always HIS plans (and then usually we fail some more, repeating the cycle ;-)).

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I've had a lot of people ask recently if I'm still doing that coaching thing and what's going on. I post endlessly on Facebook and Instagram for a year about my health and fitness journey and then all the sudden I drop off the face of that world pretty abruptly. I had a couple sweet friends tell me they were worried and wanting to make sure everything was okay. I've had a lot of people ask what's up so I guess I decided I should just go ahead and write it out...do some explaining!

Yes, I am still a Beachbody coach. I believe in the system and I believe in the products. They changed A LOT for me! With that being said, No I am not actively building a coaching business with Beachbody. Do I still believe in the business side of Beachbody? Absolutely! I love the business structure as well.

So why up and quit building?

I don't have all the answers and some people won't understand the reasoning (I figure that's why I didn't feel like explaining it in the first place) BUT, I'm following my purpose. Wait, Beachbody coaching was my purpose, right? Yes, it was a part of my purpose AT THE TIME and I thought maybe forever but sometimes our plans aren't HIS plans. I truly believe in my heart that God has a plan for each one of us and while I thought Beachbody coaching would be in my plan for a much longer time I was wrong, and that's okay.

This time around my Heavenly Father was pretty patient, but with lots of nudging a long the way, until I was finally able to realize and accept that I couldn't ignore promptings that my purpose needed to move elsewhere. I still don't have a definite path that I know is meant to replace Beachbody coaching but sometimes the answers don't come right away. Sometimes they come over time and sometimes we just don't see them for a while.

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I have a beautiful family I call my purpose. They are the center of it all and the rest while it can be full of AMAZING opportunities can't all be part of what God has in store for me so I'll focus on the center and let the rest happen as it needs to.

The lessons of life come in different ways for all of us and while sometimes we wish our path looked more like another's or maybe that it didn't veer off of the path we had set it in our mind ultimately God has a plan; and that plan is much more than we could ever imagine with all of it's twist and turns.

Motherhood is Softening my Heart

You know I used to be a crier. Emotions often brought tears to the surface but these days I'm not really a crier. I was wondering today why that is and then I had the perfect day to evaluate those thoughts.

With my husband gone to Florida for work I am manning the children by myself. (My props, love, and hugs go out to those single mothers, military wives, and women who do this much more regularly than I do...you are strong...keep going...I admire you!) It was a particularly difficult day with my 3 year old boy, who is very much my spirited child. And, this evening when I found myself in the Target parking lot for 30 minutes trying to coax him into his car seat midst screaming, tears, and thrashing I asked myself why it was I wasn't breaking down into tears at this point. A part of me wished I could, wished I would and that it would release some of the emotions and frustration I was feeling but it would have been forced if I had.

I wondered if I had become harder through the last few years of my life. With every year of life comes more experience. Had motherhood hardened me a little? Had I let life harden me? And, I'm sure in some way I have but in the same way I realize that tears aren't required to show softness, tenderness, and kindness. In the same way that you can cry and still be strong I believe you don't have to cry to be soft and tender in life.

Motherhood has strengthened me but most often that is the result of being broken down first. I have wondered many times in the past 3 years why motherhood doesn't seem to be the uplifting, filling activity I always thought it would be before I had kids. (I still testify that motherhood is rewarding, joyful, and fulfilling. It is divine and blessed. But, it is also draining and often times feels like defeat.) Then my friend said something the other day that struck a cord in me. Talking about this same thing I mention above she said, "...but, motherhood isn't necessarily meant to fill us up. It is meant to fill our kids up."

I realized then that you know maybe I am doing something right. Maybe and hopefully feeling depleted in the area of motherhood at the end of the day means that I spent my time lifting up my children. I believe in taking time for yourself to fill your own cup so that you can come back a more patient, better person in all aspects of life but I also think that motherhood is a wild ride and sometimes no matter how great that personal time is you can once again be depleted as a mother, in what feels like an instant.

And then today when I was reading this post by Stephanie Nielsen of NieNie Dialogues I was reminded of my strength as a mother and reminded of one of my favorite talks on motherhood where Elder Jeffrey R. Holland says:

"Mothers, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones. 

Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be

 magnified, compensated, made more than you are, better than you are, 

and better than you have ever been. You are doing terrifically well. 

The very fact that you have been given such a responsibility is 

everlasting evidence of the trust your Father in Heaven has in you. 

He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days

 and your nights may be the most challenging. Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.”

I am reminded of the great work I am doing. Yes, it can be depleting. It can be challenging. But, I am being strengthened, uplifted, and softened every day through this journey as a mother. My Father in Heaven is behind me 100 percent. He is rooting for me and he is aiding me on my journey.

Leaning on the Lord in Motherhood

Motherhood is on my mind this morning in relation to this scripture!

The thought above comes from what has always been one of my favorite scriptures. I have a habit of trying to lean on my own understanding sometimes and it never works out quite right when I do!

Yesterday was quite the day at our house! It was full of lots of messes, spaghetti everywhere, bread crumbs, nibbled carrot bits everywhere, torn books, wet sheets, crying kids, and some definite disagreements between mom and children. There were so many times I would sit down to finally take a breather before I went crazy and then something else would happen ro littles ones would be knocking on my door or taking over my relaxing, hot bath as their own.

For most of my day yesterday I leaned on my own understanding, frustrated that what I was doing all day, every day didn't seem so important. But, after the day was more than half over I said a little prayer and realized how much the Lord cares for me and what I am doing.

I asked my husband the other day why as a mother sometimes I feel that I hear the Lord less than I did at other times in my life. It seems terrible to say or think that but it is true for me most of the time. It seems it's hard to hear him over the screaming children and the stress of another thing to be done even though I feel I am doing his work.

But, I was reminded yesterday that even when I might not be hearing him because there are a million other things going on he is there. The thing is do we trust in him and remain faithful even on those days we feel we don't hear him over the screaming children, beeping timer, stress of bread crumbs and wet sheets?



Even though I am doing the divine work of motherhood that doesn't mean the Lord's work is always easy. Some moments it's exhausting and it includes broken hearts, sacrifice, and tears. But other moments it includes restoration, complete comfort, and more tear, but of joy. It is the daily consistent work whether exhausting or restoring that brings us to him as we do his work.

Keep going! Motherhood is hard and it's not always very glamorous. It's sacrifice and exhausting but it's also restoring, divine, and incredibly joyful. Keep going! There is joy to be found in those trenches!

Week 3: PiYo Casting Call Results

And, just like that I finished my 3rd week of this PiYo Casting Call! Just 5 more weeks to go until I submit my FINAL results!

I am still LOVING the program and I've been doing it for a few weeks even before I started this Casting Call challenge! :-) But, I also have to tell you that if you really want results in fitness, nutrition is really KEY! They say abs are made in the kitchen, not the gym! With that I have really had to take a FOCUS on my nutrition because that is the hardest part for me! But, is it possible! Of course it is!

Focusing on your nutrition does not mean you never get to have a cinnamon roll or ice cream, french fries, or pizza ever again! You can still have those things but it's all about moderation in life! You eat clean 90% of the time and then know that when you work hard to eat clean the remainder of the week you can have that treat meal where you have whatever you want and not feel bad about it. :-) There is a quote that says, "One bad meal won't make you fat, just like one good meal won't make you skinny!"

The first two weeks I cut out all cheats or treats not because I necessarily wanted to deprive myself but I wanted to prove to myself that I was strong enough to do it and I DID IT! This last week for my 3rd week I allowed myself a treat meal of pasta with my husband and did I have to feel bad about it? NO, I didn't! Because I still worked hard and ate clean the remainder of the time!

The PiYo Nutrition plan isn't hard to follow! It's really easy and it if you take the time to meal plan and meal prep it is even easier! You have a list of all the foods you can eat and then you know how many of each foods you can have and there you have it! You aren't starving! I am plenty full and satisfied following the plan. It is the basics of living a healthy lifestyle to implement and make a habit in your life!

With that are you read to see my 3 week results!?!

Here you go!

And, here are my three week stats:

Weight: 132.7 (-3.5 lbs.)
Chest: 33 (-1.5")
Biceps: L 11 7/8 (-1/8") R 11 7/8 (-1/8")
Waist: 28 (-1")
Belly: 32 (-1.5")
Hips: 38 (-1")
Thighs: L 22 (-3/4") R 22 3/4 (-3/4")
Calves: L 14 (-1/2") R 14 1/4 (-1/4")

I am very proud of the results I have had in knowing that I have done it by consistently eating healthy and getting my workouts in! But, the best part is I don't have to starve myself or workout endlessly! I get to eat plenty and I only have to workout for 20-50 minutes a day! PiYo is a low impact but high intensity workout. I'm not beating up my body to get these results! Do I work hard! YES! Are some of the workouts hard? YES! But,is it worth it? YES! :-)

Happy Transformation Tuesday!

Clean Pumpkin Pancakes

Fall is right around the corner and that means pumpkin EVERYTHING! :-)

I kept seeing recipes for pumpkin pancakes and I NEEDED some ASAP! So, I decided to find a good, healthy recipe I could enjoy without killing my efforts for the PiYo Casting Call! And, out of that came this lovely, beautiful recipe for pumpkin pancakes. I found the original recipe here and just adapted it slightly. The credit definitely goes to Skinny Taste though for making these delightful pancakes possible! I only altered them slightly.

Whole Wheat Pumpkin Pancakes

Ingredients:

• 1 1/4 cup whole wheat flour
• 2 tsp baking powder
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 1 tsp pumpkin pie spice
• 1 cup buttermilk (milk and vinegar/lemon juice mixture will work just fine)
• 3 large egg whites
• 1/2 cup canned pumpkin
• 2 Tbsp. pure maple syrup or honey
• 1 tsp vanilla or almond extract
• 1 tsp. extra virgin coconut or olive oil

Directions:

Mix all wet ingredients together in Vitamix. Add dry ingredients and blend in Vitamix until well blended. Make sure to scrape the sides if any flour sticks to sides and mix again.

Top with berries or pure maple syrup and if you are feeling really adventerous it would be delicious with a little low fat whipping cream! ;-)

Enjoy to your heart's delight!

PiYo Casting Call: Week 2 Results

Well, my second for this PiYo Casting Call journey is complete! Yay! Two weeks down, six to go! :-)

I was feeling a little defeated and frustrated because it seems my wrist didn't completely heal before I decided to stop wearing my brace and I'm back in that brace and no bearing weight on that wrist. So, you may ask how the heck am I doing PiYo? I just MAKE IT WORK! :-)

When it's time to do push ups I go into a forearm plank and either hold it or lift my legs one at a time. When we are in down dog I am on my forearms as well. I do the best I can and KEEP GOING! I have learned that there will always be another excuse as to why you "CAN'T" do it. But, in reality, it's not about if you can...it's about if you WILL! So, you have to make some adjustments...SO WHAT! Keep going! ;-)

And, here we have my two week pictures and progress! (If you can't tell I took these by myself with my phone propped up on a chair, boxes, and a book with two kids running around...haha...it worked...kind of!)

Two week progress front view

Two week progress side view

Two week progress back view

:Measurements:

Weight: 132.7 (-3.5 lbs.)

Chest: 33 3/4" (-.75")

Waist (smallest part): 28" (-1")

Belly (biggest part): 32 1/4" (-1.25")

Hips: 38" (-1")

Thighs: L 22.25" (-.5")  R 23" (-.5")

When you commit to reaching a goal and stay consistent things will happen! My next group starts Monday, September 1st! Are you going to commit?

I'm ready to take September by storm and keep going! Are you? ;-)

Seasoned Coconut Chicken

When I'm cooking I like it to be simple, healthy, and yummy! That's not too much to ask, right? You see, I just figure why put in the effort if it doesn't meet that criteria! ;-)

This chicken meets all those requirements and I LOVE it! I came across it when I was in a hurry to feed 4 hungry missionaries and only had 40 minutes to get dinner ready! It was a total experiment but I figured growing, hungry missionaries would be great to try it on! :-) Now, it does have Ranch Seasoning on it which is not exactly clean. But, I'm okay with a little ranch seasoning on my chicken now and again. I no longer eat Ranch dressing but that doesn't mean I don't like the taste! Everything in moderation! ;-)

So, that is how this recipe came to fruition!

Sorry I'm not a better photographer! ;-)

Seasoned Coconut Chicken

Ingredients: 

Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts
Extra Virgin Coconut Oil
Parsley (fresh or dry)
Tony's Seasoning
Ranch Seasoning & Salad Dressing Mix
Salt & Pepper

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degress. Coat bottom of baking pan with coconut oil. Place chicken breasts on pan and give them some spice! ;-) I just sprinkle some of each on there until I'm happy! 

Bake in oven for 25-30 minutes or until cooked through. 

Serve with a side of veggies and fruit and if you want a little more of something serve with some sauteed potatoes. 

I hope you can ENJOY it too! Happy Sunday!

My PiYo Casting Call Journey: Week 1

If you are following me on Facebook you probably know that I submitted my before photos into the PiYo Casting Call. I had already started PiYo about 3 weeks before and I fell in love with it but then decided I really wanted to step up the accountability by dreaming big and setting a big, hairy, scary goal to be chosen for the PiYo Casting Call, be in the infomerical, and meet Chalene Johnson!

This meant really committing myself to getting every workout in and really dialing into my nutrition! I set the goal and I started a group with others to keep me accountable and focused and I just finished the first week!

I was not completely accurate on all my portions or on all my categories this week but I ate 100% clean, no cheats! That felt good just to know I could resist the temptation of unclean food and cheat meals when I had cupcakes sitting in front of my face! ;-)

Today was our day to take our stats. This means pictures, measurements, and weight. And, I am being vulnerable here to share with you all my progress so that you know what is possible when you commit to the PiYo program and nutrition guide!

So, here are my one week progress pictures! And, remember these are taken first thing in the morning...and I am not a morning person! ;-) I try to smile sometimes.

My weight and measurements are as follows with my stats from today and the difference in parentheses!

Weight 134.6 (-1.6 lbs.)
Chest: 33 3/4 (-.75)
Biceps: L 12 R 12 2/8 (+2/8)
Waist: 28 1/2 (-1/2)
Belly: 32 3/4 (-.75)
Hips: 38 1/2 (-.5)
Thighs: L 22 1/2 (-.25) R 23 (-.5)
Calves: L 14 1/2 R 14 1/2

No, my results are not incredibly dramatic but I can tell a difference and if I've learned anything progress takes time and consistency! I am very pleased to see progress though and especially excited to see myself losing inches in my hips and thighs, which I haven't lost anything on in over a month! :-)

This is an 8 week program with 20-45 minute workouts, once a day. I am not working out tirelessly at a gym (ain't nobody got time for that). I am not starving myself, just eating good, clean food and drinking Shakeology. I still have a long ways to go but I am confident that if I am committed and consistent I will see great results. I am confident you can too!

If you want more information on the PiYo program, Shakeology, or being part of a challenge group please comment with your email! I love helping others see their potential and strength as well. It is a passion of mine!

Clean Eating Granola

I am a total cereal fanatic but most cereals these days are FULL of refined flours and sugars. They just don't fit the bill when it comes to clean eating. My kids inherited that love for cereal and it just so happens I married a husband who loves it too!

So, I was in a quandry about getting my cereal fix in but sticking to my clean eating lifestyle I have adapted. This brought me to granola, which is just like cereal but probably better! I've tried a few different recipes and made my own in the process that we have been devouring lately! :-)

I love just eating mine with some skim milk. You might like yours with some greek yogurt. Whatever way you eat it, it's delicious!

Clean Eating Granola

Ingredients:

• 2 cups oats
• 1/3 cup sliced almonds
• 1/3 cup unsweetened applesauce
• 1/4 cup honey
• 2 Tbsp. pure maple syrup
• 1 Tbsp. cinnamon
• 1 tsp. almond extract
• 1-2 Tbsp. chia seed, ground flax, or flaxseed
• Raisins or cranberries as desired

Directions:

Preheat oven to 325 degrees Fahrenheit. 

In a large bowl whisk together applesauce, honey, maple syrup, cinnamon, and almond extract. Add oats and chia and mix well. 

Spread onto a baking sheet lined with parchment paper and bake for 40-45 minutes, stirring every 15-20 minutes, until lightly golden brown.

Immediately add raisins and stir after coming out of the oven. Store in an airtight container and serve as you like.

Sweet and Sour Chicken (Clean Eating)

Before I started eating clean the two words clean eating just flat out intimidated me. I thought I could never eat normal meals again. It would be all lean meat and vegetables with nothing that really bursted with flavor. Haha...was I ever wrong! In fact, the clean eating foods and meals I eat now are more rich with flavor than my food ever has been before. You don't have to add artificial things and packaged products to increase flavor. There are natural options and spices totally make your meal what it is!

I decided to try this recipe on Sunday. I've made clean Orange Chicken before and loved it (a recipe for the future) but I didn't have any oranges or orange juice so I opted for Sweet and Sour Chicken. This recipe is adapted from Clean Eating Mag.

Photo from Clean Eating Mag (because it is much prettier than mine :-))

Sweet and Sour Chicken

Ingredients:

• 1/4 cup liquid aminos
• 4-6 tbsp raw honey (to your liking)
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 tsp fresh ginger, grated
• 1/4 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
• 1 1/4 lb boneless, skinless chicken breasts (about 4 breasts), chopped into 1-inch pieces
• 1 medium red bell pepper, cut into 1-inch chunks (about 1 cup)
• 1 medium yellow bell pepper, cut into 1-inch chunks (about 1 cup)
• 2 cups pineapple cut into chunks with juice
• 12 sprigs fresh cilantro, chopped (about 1/4 cup)
• Coconut oil for sauteing chicken.
• Cornstarch mixed with water for thickening if desired

Directions:

Mix together liquid aminos, honey, garlic, ginger, and red pepper flakes in a blender or food processor. Saute chicken and peppers in coconut oil. When close to being done add in your sauce. Bring to a boil and add in pineapple with juice. When boiling again add cornstarch and water mixture in while stirring rapidly to thicken as desired. Garnish with cilantro.

Serve over brown rice with some vegetables on the side.

*Make sure not to overcook your chicken, drying it out.

Enjoy!

A Typical Day of Clean Eating

And, here it is! A typical day of clean eating for me! 

I usually eat 5-6 small meals a day! That is one of the basics of clean eating and it is essential to keep your metabolism going and your body fueled. It is perfectly normal to be hungry every 2-3 hours! That's a good thing! So, here are my 5 small meals today! 

Meal #1: A hashed potato with shredded zucchini and sliced peppers along with two poached eggs.

Meal #2: The healthiest meal of the day! My Shakeology! There is no way for me to pack in all the super foods it contains even in a day without drinking this. Natural, whole foods, ground up to deliver your body optimum nutrition it won't otherwise get. I go a day without it and my body is low on energy, digestion is slowed, and I just don't feel as good. It's a non negotiable in my day, EVERY day! Lately I have just been drinking it with water and ice in a shaker cup. Every once in a while I'll add some pure orange juice or watermelon juice in there too! I used to do my shakes in the blender with fruit, ice, spinach, and/or sometimes peanut butter but Strawberry shaken with water and ice is just what I'm into right now! Simple!

Meal #3: Crock-pot chicken with mixed veggies and watermelon. I meal prep my meat, veggies, and fruit on Sunday nights so I have enough for the whole week and that makes meals super quick for all of us! I like quick!

Meal #4: A sliced apple with natural peanut butter and some baby carrots (not pictured).

Meal #5: Clean Lasagna with sliced cucumbers. I use either lean ground turkey or lean ground beef with a can of organic tomato sauce and diced tomatoes with some water and spices for the sauce. The noodles are whole grain and I use a mixture of skim ricotta or cottage cheese with spices for the cheese. Layer it or mix it all together and sprinkle some mozzarella on top.

Meal prep at the beginning of the week saves me so much time. This past Sunday I cooked up our chicken in the crock pot, browned lean ground beef and lean ground turkey, shredded zucchini, sliced peppers, cut watermelon, and cooked veggies. It makes eating clean much easier to have my meal plan and food prepped and ready so I don't waste time thinking on what I'm going to eat and then give into temptation of something from a box or a package that is highly processed. Nathan can pack his lunches in a flash and he has a bag of Shakeology at work so he can have one of those meals on a quick break instead of some vending machine cookies or chips.

And, just a quick note! When you are eating healthy foods you don't need to feel starved. I am completely satisfied and I don't have to workout for hours a day to still lose weight or get fit. Most days my workouts are between 25-50 minutes.

There you have it! I will also be adding recipes and meal tips to the tab at the top of the page so follow the blog and check them out!