I don't like help. Actually, sometimes I really do like help but then I often refuse it because somehow I think it's important to show myself I can do it alone! That doesn't usually turn out good. And, you should ask my husband about when I'm mad, frustrated, upset, or hurt. Instead of collapsing in his open arms I insist on trying to deal with the emotions alone. Yeah, that usually doesn't turn out well either.
If someone asks how they can help I will usually tell them it's not needed. But, in the end, I'm human and I always want and appreciate the help of others...I just won't usually ask for it. Problem is that with that stubborn nature also comes an inability to see when my will is not actually the road to be traveled. If Heavenly Father wants me to actually understand that it usually takes a sledge hammer of some kind to knock me flat and build myself back up again before I'll listen. Most times I listen, eventually. But, it takes a not so subtle act of God to do so.
I've decided most often in life it's not smart for me to make concrete plans because just about the time I think I have it figured out I realize I'm wrong. Take for instance my two littles. After Nathan and I got married I was under the impression I would wait at least 2 years to have kids so we could get used to married life, living with a new person, and learn to bond with my husband. Instead, I learned that there was a will, not mine, greater than my own plans. So, after being married for not 2 years, but 6 months, I was pregnant with my Kamden Wade. With one child some days we decided we were done having kids...haha...grateful for my little boy every day...but nonetheless, motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done.
Kamden is incredibly sweet but he's had a fire in his belly from day one! He always slept good but there were many struggles to be had after finding he inherited his mother's stubborn nature. In the movie, Emma Smith: My Story, she tells her daughter Julia that mothering her was often like trying to cuddle a child that didn't want to be held. My Kamden Wade is much like Emma's Julia in many instances. He fights those cuddles so fiercely at times but in the end when he finally surrenders he gives himself over completely.
After having Kamden, I just knew Heavenly Father would give me at least 2 years before deciding we needed to have another one. I needed to adjust to motherhood a little more. It was worth it every day, but definitely not as easy as I expected it to be. I don't think there are many days I have been a mother that I felt adequate in giving to my children what they need. However, that magic number of 2 years I had, was not meant to be and before Kamden was even a year old (almost 10 months old) we found out our Kaliana Brooklyn would be coming.
My Kaliana is just the opposite from myself and her older brother. This little girl LOVES to be snuggled and she reminds us of it often. When things become hard for this sweet girl she finds comfort and solace in openly inviting the love of another.
I've had an opportunity to experience the child who has a hard time accepting love and then one who openly invites that love in without hesitation, in my two little ones and with that I have also come to understand much about myself. You know what I've realized. I am to my Heavenly Father much like Emma's Julia was to her. I push with all my might against his will when all the time he's trying to help me. He's giving me something better than I could have imagined but in my stubborn eyes I have a hard time seeing it. If I am so busy thinking of my ruined plans it could be so easy to miss Heavenly Father's grand design for my life.
That grand design is not what I had imagined but, it is indeed, what I need and because of that he is patient with me, his stubborn child, until I am ready and willing to surrender my will.
Motherhood has come to me through the grand design of my Heavenly Father. Most days it hasn't been what I expected but it has proven to be something so much more spiritual than I ever anticipated. I have found myself completely broken but it is interesting to note that while being a mother may leave me completely broken at times, it has been my healing balm when nothing else could make me whole. The word mother carries with it such a deeper meaning to me now than it ever could have before I was able to call myself mom to both my Kamden Wade and my Kaliana Brooklyn. These two babies of mine have taught me of a will greater than my own, one not mine, but one that is indeed divine and so blessed.
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