Broken, Tired, but Grateful

Shall we be completely honest here?

Okay, good! I'm glad we all decided on a resounding YES!

I'm writing this after my 2 year old had a huge meltdown because I took the scissors away from him. I know, I know I'm about the meanest mom alive and if you had any doubt just ask Kamden; he has first had experience!

He was hiding in my room moments earlier and if you live in our house you know that means he's taking care of some business. When he was ready to come out he quietly exclaims, "Mamma, I pooped again."

I reply, "Okay, Kamden let's lay down and change your diaper. The thing is I didn't realize until now his hands were behind his back. He can't keep his hands back there while trying to lay down so out they come and with them a pink pair of scissors, my sewing scissors. I asked him nicely, "Kamden, are you supposed to be playing with scissors?"

"No, mom." says Kamden.

I reply, "Okay, give them to mommy, please" while I reach forward to take them out of his hands. I catch them just before he tries to flail them all over the place in protest!

That was about the time I knew it was all downhill. There was no chance a diaper change would happen anymore, not with this huge meltdown in sight. I decided to play the "ignore him and it will get better" card but that insistent 2 year old had other plans. He grabs the pillows closest to him and starts chucking them in my general direction. "Okay, I can deal with pillows", I think to myself, "Bring it on, little guy...give it your best shot!"

And, it was like he could read my mind, so in that moment I was not looking he honored that challenge I extended to him and, BOOM, right on the cheek is where the edge of my full water bottle landed after it was hurled through the air by that (too smart for his own good) 2 year old of mine (right now I'm asking myself if I'm supposed to claim him as mine...). I have to remind myself that he has the most redeeming qualities!

It was like he was aiming with exact measurements of how he could produce the most sting on contact and let me tell you, he was pretty darn precise! At first, it was the maddened ("Oh, you didn't just do that...") mamma reaction but fortunately for Kamden the worst of the sting came two seconds later and then it hit me with a ton of bricks. That was my breaking point and I could no longer be mad, because instead I was broken.

All the thoughts of my day...all the thoughts of my week...of self doubt...of frustration...hit me...like a TON of bricks and I crumbled. That broken, imperfect mamma crumbled into a million pieces after she locked her bedroom door and curled up in the corner. Yes, the corner...it was the best option when the bed was full of clothes I had just spent an hour folding.

You know that motherhood thing...sometimes it's exhausting.

Today, I'm a broken, tired mamma and you know that can sound incredibly depressing in a way. Broken and tired aren't exactly encouraging words.

BUT, if I've learned only a few things in my life, it's that broken and tired usually mean your learning something. You are growing. You are being molded...shaped...into something more. I have no idea who that person is yet. I'd like to know a lot of days, but I guess not knowing quite where that journey may lead is part of the refining process, right? At least, I'm hoping there is an incredibly good reason for it.

So, I might be broken and tired, yes, there is no doubt, but at least if I'm going to be broken and tired I can do it while performing the most demanding, yet, most rewarding job I have ever embarked on. At least, I have the opportunity to do that job of grueling, hard work every day of my life. And, honestly (because we all decided on honesty, right) at least I have that to be grateful for!